The Women’s Issue. Thank God they didn’t spell it with a Y.
It’s difficult to write from the male perspective (whatever that is…I’ve only got my own to work with) for a magazine with an ovarian theme. No matter how you slice it, it always comes back to sex – that eternal bridge over the gender gap. I’d write about that, but my memory is hazy on sex involving anyone else.
So, you wanna know about the male perspective? I’ll tell you about the male perspective: When asked to write this article my first thought was, “Hey…I could get laid if I write something sensitive and extremely touching.”
But that would require lying…a waste of time, especially when the other option (being truthful about the male perspective) is more satisfying, not to mention easier. Of course, being honest with women is no way to get laid, but I’ve resigned myself to that.
I’ve heard scores of women complain that it’s impossible to hook up in Taiwan.
That’s not true. None of them have asked me.
What they mean is that it’s difficult to hook up with the guy they want when there’s thousands of beautiful, hipless Asian women running around who CAN’T engage in post-coital conversation. Taiwan is a country where fat, old, ugly men have no problem dating women who look like they just stepped off a runway.
I’m no happier about it than you are, believe me. If it wasn’t for all those fat, old men….
Scientists have recently discovered critical differences in the way men and women think. We process language differently; have very different responses to stimuli; focus on very different cues – both verbal and non-verbal – when trying to communicate.
This causes no end of problems.
Any man who has asked his significant other, “What’s wrong?” has encountered, “If you loved me, you’d know what’s wrong.”
Any woman who has asked, “Does this outfit look okay?” has heard, “You look great in anything.”
These responses are not designed to frustrate, but they couldn’t do a better job of it if they were. You would think that after a few thousand generations of producing offspring we’d have found a way to communicate more efficiently.
Some advice for men: NEVER ask what’s wrong. Just apologise and promise never to do it again…even if you have no idea what it is. Repeat after me: “Honey, I’m sorry for making you feel this way, and I promise never to do it again.”
WARNING to MEN: IF you hear the question, “Does this make my ass look fat?”, DO NOT REPLY, “No…your fat ass makes your ass look fat.”
For the women: NEVER ask if you look okay in that outfit. First, we really do think you look great in anything. Second, we have no idea whether or not the brown or green shoes look better with that dress. Lastly, the only time we notice that you’ve actually changed your outfit is when you put on the black lace crotchless babydoll.
Men and women are different. A man will spend $3 to buy something he needs, even though it can be purchased for $2 in another store. He’d rather just buy the thing and avoid running all over town to save a buck. Besides, if they wind up going to another store, he knows she’ll waste two hours trying on shoes.
A woman will buy something she doesn’t need for $2 because it costs $3 at another store. It’s on sale, see? The exception to this rule is shoes. Shoes cost what they cost, and she doesn’t need to explain that to anyone.
But what of more practical insights into the male perspective? Well, let the insights begin.
Hypothetical Situation: You meet a cute boy in the pub and are having a great conversation. It’s like you’ve known each other for years, even though you just met!
Reality: He’s not paying attention to your conversation, he’s only pretending to. What he IS doing is making eye contact with his buddies across the bar as they exchange coded signals agreeing that you have amazing tits.
Hypothetical Situation: Your super-hot younger sister comes to visit for a weekend.
Reality: He wants the threesome, but knows asking for it is stupid. He’s planning on a shooter party at home for just the three of you. If the alcohol doesn’t prompt anything worthy of Penthouse Forum, he hopes YOU pass out first.
Hypothetical Situation: There are two attractive men flirting with you. One of them clearly indicates he wants to take you home and have sex. The other one clearly indicates that he wants to get to know you better, develop a close bond of friendship and see if that develops into something more.
Reality: We both want to get you into bed, but I have unfortunately decided to try being honest about it one more time. It won’t work. You’ll go home with the guy who lies to you. You always do.