Who the FUCK is Harriet Miers?

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a mud-sucking, bottom-dwelling shit scavenger…the other is a fish.

Old joke – funny cuz it’s true.  Anyway.

Who the fuck is Harriet Miers?  Well, I’ll tell you – she was the first woman to head the Texas Bar Association; once ran the State Lottery; Dubya’s personal lawyer, currently working as a White House weasel counsel, and if saner minds do not prevail she will become the next US Supreme Court Justice.

Folks, things are not merely getting out of hand…we’ve entered the bizarro world.  George Bush is like some drug-crazed, gun-toting NBA player determined to find out just how many crimes he has to commit before he loses his shoe endorsement contract.

People have been speculating with varying degrees of concern and fear for some time that George might have the opportunity to stack the court with some arch-conservative, anti-abortion, law and order types.  It’s the one way for a president to leave a lasting mark on the country – as if trashing the economy, the environment and starting an unjustified and unwinnable war weren’t enough. 

And so, given the death of one Justice and the retirement of another, here’s Bush’s big chance times two.  First, he nominates John Roberts for CHIEF Justice.  No point in elevating one of the sitting Justices – all they have is years of experience interpreting the constitution in the Court of Final Appeal.  Nah.  Screw them.  Make the new boy C.J.  And why not?  Souter was supposed to be a conservative, but he turned out to be one of those liberal activist judges (goddamn turncoat!).  Clarence still has that pubic hair hanging over his coke can.  What’s a Dubya s’posed to do?

It was probably the dramatic ease with which Roberts sailed through his confirmation hearings that made George believe he could nominate ANYone.  But Harriet Fucking MIERS???

George calls her the most qualified candidate.  Let’s be clear about this: Never, not once, has Harriet sat anywhere as a judge.  Never decided a case, never heard an appeal. 

This is the most qualified candidate?  In a country full of lawyers.  Harriet Miers. 

You might as well claim Michael Schumacher is the best F1 MECHANIC.  He drives, right?  So, he must be a good mechanic.  Harriet, according to Bush, is a pretty good lawyer…which, on the face of it, is the bare minimum qualification.  Hell, they might as well randomly select any recent law school graduate.  Equally qualified, but without the clinging stench of cronyism that utterly overpowers Harriet’s Chanel No.5. 

George, ever insistent, would have us believe that above and beyond all of the sitting Federal and State Appellate judges currently hearing arguments in the United States, Harriet Miers is the best qualified to sit on the highest court in the land, despite her TOTAL lack of judicial experience.

It’s not only obviously untrue, it’s foolish hogwash.  Now, Dubya either believes it to be true, in which case he’s too stupid to be president (an argument I have no trouble making or believing), OR he doesn’t believe it, in which case he’s a prevaricating and/or delusional bastard who lacks the character to be president (again, an argument I find both appealling and convincing).

So, and of course, the president was pressed to explain his reasoning and rationale for nominating Harriet Fucking Miers.  Never one to let his brain stand in the way, George actually let the truth slip.  Harriet Fucking Miers is an Evangelical Fucking Christian. 

Now, let me say this: I have nothing against Christians.  I do wish more of them would walk WITH Christ instead of hide behind him and snipe.  But Faith (the honest and considered kind) is something I respect and even envy a little, being unable to manage it myself.  BUT, having said that, since when did Faith become the threshold qualification for being nominated to the USSC?

I have this nightmarish suspicion that they interviewed a slew of truly qualified jurists, each of whom when asked, “Do you believe in Jesus?”, replied (as a proper jurist should), “Sir, I believe that question is beyond the scope of relevant considerations in this regard and, therefore, I respectfully decline to answer.”

Harriet Fucking Miers, alone, replied, “Mr. President, before I respond to your very insightful question, might we kneel together and pray to the Lord and Saviour.”

Do we really think for one moment that Harriet Fucking Miers will set aside Leviticus when determining whether gays ought to be allowed to marry or adopt; whether women have the right to choose whether to be pregnant or not; whether or not Creationism ought to be taught in the science curriculum? 

It USED to be that lawyers would argue based on precedent – similar fact situations previously decided in view of long-standing and well-understood legal principles; broad or narrow interpretations of statute, depending on the situation and application.  Now, in addition to researching the wisdom of Lord Denning, law firms will require in-house theologists to cite scripture in support of their arguments.

Georgie, always quick to lie when Karl Rove tells him it’s necessary, immediately tried to backtrack.  Someone gave him the phonics cards: JOO-DISH-AL FLOSS-SO-FEE.  No one has yet found a way to get it through his head that in order to HAVE a judicial philosophy, one ought to be able to point to some sort of judicial track-record, the examination of which reveals what one is likely to do in a given hypothetical set of facts.  Harriet Fucking Miers does not have a track-record, or a philosophy, except insofar as Jesus personally directs.  She’s George’s born-again prayer buddy.

When asked by Sen. Arlen Spector (R), where she stood on Roe vs. Wade, in the span of 24 short hours Harriet went from, “It’s settled law,” to, “It’s could be open to review,” to, “I took no position and if you think I did then you misunderstood my remarks.” 

Harriet Fucking Miers can’t make up her mind and, without any degree of subtlety, grasps about blindly for what she hopes might be just the thing to make people stop asking her all these difficult questions.  Yep, that’s just what we need on the Court of Final Appeal.

Theocracy is not just for the Taliban anymore, kids.  Ayatollah GeeDubya is gonna thump some fire and brimstone.  And he’s gonna do it with that smug, self-satisfied moronic smirk on his face that makes Paris Hilton look like a Rhodes scholar.  And speaking of Rhodes scholars, we used to have one for president.  HE left a budget surplus, a shitload of extra cash, and a booming economy behind when he was chased out of town for getting a blowjob.

Now we have Curious George. 

What would you give to have Slick Willie back? 

Damn near anything?  Me too.

Now all you appellants, respondents and defendants fuck off.  I’m busy.


7 Responses

  1. […] Who the FUCK is Harriet Miers? […]

  2. Take Sarah Palin, add 40 IQ points, real connections and a law degree…divide by two over Jesus.
    Harriet Miers.

  3. […] Who the FUCK is Harriet Miers? […]

  4. And I’ve been to court more than she has!

    • As counsel or accused? In either case, it wouldn’t be tough to top Harriet. She’s never presented a case or argued an appeal. I believe she may have had to appear under a contempt citation for refusing to testify before Congress, but Bill Kunstler she ain’t.

  5. As co-counsel to my human.

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