Close Encounter of the Mormon Kind

A Mormon missionary approached me at an intersection in Taiwan (they’re fuckin’ everywhere in Taiwan).  Sadly for the Mormons, I’m just the sort that loves a wee theological debate while waiting for the light to change.
With the first breath after his cheery introduction, I mentioned that I was a little offput by the Mormon’s posthumous baptism of Jews killed in the camps.
The objection is entirely in principle, you understand…I have no practical objection at all.   Why would I?  It’s all fucking Leprechauns to me.  Nevertheless, why are you underwear freaks going out of your way to piss off Hebes by BAPTISING their dead relatives?
How stupid is that?  How arrogant??

I can’t manage Faith.  I can’t.  Sometimes I wish I could, and I once had a perfect conversation with a young Jesus freak that made me wish I were a little dumber.
Lack of faith notwithstanding, when confronted with a Mormon missionary, I always accept their terms in these little tete-a-tetes.  It’s the only way the debate can progress. Damn Mormons are never willing to accept my hypothesis as a starting point.
No Mormon with that ‘Elder Barry’ nametag on his stiff white shirt is ever gonna walk up to me at a red light and say, “Hi!  I’m a blind dogma gobbler who would like to brain wash some needy soul into donating a chunk of their income…are you such an idiot?”

I digress.

His position was that there are NO righteous people absent baptism into the Mormon faith; that no one enters heaven without it.
Since it had recently come to public attention that Elie Wiesel’s name was on a list for future baptism, I asked him if Wiesel would qualify as a “righteous man”.
No, replied the Mormon, Wiesel would not qualify.
“But you would, being a Mormon?” I asked.
Yes, replied the Mormon.
Well, I told the kid, any belief system that makes you righteous over Elie Wiesel seems pretty obviously fucked.

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17 Responses

  1. “Sadly for the Mormons, I’m just the sort that loves a wee theological debate while waiting for the light to change.”

    I guessed right in advance what this would be about and good for you for standing up for those that can’t.

    “How stupid is that? How arrogant??”

    This should also be applied to this answer near the end from the Mormon: “Yes.” Not only could he never really know, but it should also be a logical impossibility to be correct.

  2. @ Sharon
    You’ve never dealt with Mormons, have you?

  3. “You’ve never dealt with Mormons, have you?”

    No, not in person. However, I have delt with claimed Mormons in chatrooms and forums though.

  4. I made a missionary reject god.

    One of my prouder moments.

  5. “I made a missionary reject god.

    One of my prouder moments.”

    At one time I would have agree with this, but I am not judging. For the utter damage religion has done to humans, there should be some sort of accounting. Right now, I want them to just keep their beliefs to themselves or they will continue in contradiction.

  6. how many mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
    1 to change the bulb
    and the other one to annoy the fucking shit out of me at a god damned red light

  7. K,

    My wife won’t let me wear a white shirt and black tie to the office because she says I look like a “Mor-mon”. She’s Indonesian so it comes out sounding like Moron. Comedy.

    Myself, I’m just dying to run into a Mor-mon over here in Indonesia. Although it probably won’t happen, I will relish telling them, “I was raised Roman Catholic, but I just converted to Islam. What’s your God selling?”


  8. The author obviously has no clue what the Mormon Baptism for the Dead is and is not.

    The Mormons will still baptize you roughly 100 years after you’ve passed on as well. Doesn’t mean you’ll turn Mormon in afterlife (which you obviously don’t believe in so I don’t see why you care either way.)

  9. @ Jon
    I’m willing to bet I know more about the history and practices of the LDS Church than most members of the LDS Church (and especially the missionaries I have met throughout the world).
    As for being an atheist, WTF has that got to do with anything? I find it the height of hypocrisy, insensitivity and arrogance for the special underwear freaks to go about foolish bullshit which seems designed to piss off the davening crowd.
    Any ignorant theist is allowed to believe whatevcer stupid bullshit they want. When they start inflicting their silliness on others – whether it’s baptising the dead or insisting on creationism being taught in the science class – that’s when I object.
    I note you capitalize “Mormon Baptism for the Dead”.
    You from Utah, Jon? You wearing special underwear as prescribed by the racist, sexist, polygamous sect of freaks and wierdos handed down from Joseph Smith thru Brigham Young to the starched white shirts at Taiwan intersections who have to sneak off in private in order to rub one out?
    Are you on the path to Sainthood?

  10. Fuck, Jon’s making you an offer you can’t refuse!

    OK, according to a Mormon extremely distant cousin, the retroactive baptism thing is optional. So, if your relative who died in a concentration camp has been retroactively baptised, he can either accept or reject it in the afterlife. Not as bad it sounds since if you are stuck in Hell with Bible thumpers like Jerry Falwell and all that, you can retroactively accept Mormonism and live in their heaven which includes polygamous sex. Fields

    Somehow, that bit gets left out of their spiel about Mormonism, but polygamous sex sounds like heaven to me. You just hope you aren’t stuck with Marie Osmond–although she could be hot. Her weight problem could be due to the fact that she can’t get enough oral satisfaction in this realm. She may suck dicks like a pornstar in the afterlife.

    So, shitloads of mormon shiksas to have polygamous sex!

    Too bad it’s all in the afterlife, unless you want to marry one.

    You still have a problem with that?

  11. try this to get to that post:

    BTW, I have had a thing for Mormonism since I was a youth and have to admit more knowledge than the average person about this faith. The cabinet d’avocats we were associated when I lived in Belgium represented the Mormons.

    An anecdote from that period is that a couple of Mormon missionaries were arrested by the Belgian police since the Police weren’t sure what exactly Mormon missionaries did. Of course, this was well before the film “Orgazmo” was released (sorry, I had to put that in). Anyway, Belgian law allows for the police to arrest someone for 48 hours and hold them just to check them out. The Mormons were fed a baguette and a litre of coffee every 4 hours. Something which doesn’t happen in the USA. These poor buggers are suffering since they can’t drink coffee and don’t understand why the police can just pull them off the street for no reason.

  12. Orgazmo Damn that was a ridiculously funny movie. Just the idea of an orgasm gun is worth the price of admission.

    In fact, I think that’s how all wars should be fought. Soldiers should shoot at each other with orgasm guns until the losers give up. Something also tells me that civilian “collateral damage” won’t mind getting hit as much as they do now.

    But with regards to Mormon Baptism For The Dead, while it’s creepy as fuck and insultingly pretentious, I think the practice itself is probably one of the least harmful things these nutjobs believe in. It’s not like they’re digging up dead people and baptizing them (or living people) against their will. Essentially, all they are REALLY doing is giving each other baths and spouting meaningless mumbo-jumbo.

    It’s really tame in comparison with my version of baptism, where I baptize the lucky lady’s face with my holy fluid and make all kinds of solemn-but-completely-meaningless promises of a heavenly future together.

    Oh, I got me some magic underwear alright!

  13. And, of course, I fucked up my HTML again, probably because I was thinking about having a Mormon 3 way with Mrs Fields and Marie Osmond.

  14. Hey, I’ve always wondered what exactly Mormon missionaries did as well: until I saw Orgazmo.

    I like the idea of Orgasm guns!

  15. Thanks for the HTML fix. But don’t worry about the Mormon 3 Way fix, I wouldn’t want that even if you could do it. Maybe I’ve just been watching too much Big Love, but get them out of that colonial garb and there’s just something sexy about those Mormon chicks.

    It’s not just the acceptance of me having multiple partners. Naivety and obedience is ingrained in them. And all the “clean living” tends to keep them looking younger than they are. Then there’s the desire to keep my belly filled with yummy vitals. That doesn’t hurt either.

    I often see the Mormons recruiting in the park from my office window and they’re always young and in pairs. I just wished they sent out girls to recruit. Not only would it be much more effective, maybe I’d get me my Mormon threesome!

    That said, Mormonism is still batshit crazy, which is also something in a chick that (unfortunately) turns me on.

  16. Any religion that thinks the Declaration of Independence and Constitution were divinely inspired has to be off. Then they want to baptise dead people (although it does result in a polygamous afterlife).

    Well, to quote Adam Ant: “Don’t drink, don’t smoke–What do you do? Subtle innuendos follow”.

    I’ll take a Mormon three way!

    Elohim ordains it!

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