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10,000 Cupcakes or the Bear Gets It

There are a million stories in the naked city — few more gripping, heart-rending and less-plausible than this.

It all started on the otherwise uneventful day of May 9, when Donovan accidentally dropped the teddy bear wrapped in a blue blanket in the PS 29 schoolyard.

“He dropped Mr. Bear, and I didn’t notice until that evening,” Bortner said. “The next day, Mr. Bear was not there.”

Weeks of trauma, anxiety, and sleepless nights for little Donovan led to one last-ditch effort this Sunday: Bortner posted “Lost” signs all over the neighborhood.

The signs featured a photo of Mr. Bear, highlighted by sunrays, plus a mention of a reward of “baked goods” and “good karma.” Bortner hoped the posters would catch the eye of someone with a clue to the whereabouts of the missing bear.

A few days after the posters went up, Bortner got her first break in the case.

Unfortunately, the return message — tacked onto the bottom of the original “Lost” poster — consisted of an ultimatum: “We have the blanket. Nothing will happen to it if we get $10,000 of gluten-free cupcakes delivered to this park.”

Lest Bortner not be able to ID the “kidnappers,” the ransom note went on: “I’ll be dressed as a pregnant woman with a baby in a stroller. My accomplice will be wearing a T-shirt, baseball cap, cargo shorts and mandrals. We’ll be obsessing over our toddler.”

Then it added this horrifying warning: “Come alone or this blanket (and bear) goes into the washer. No gentle cycle!”

Do NOT call the police. Come alone or the bear gets it.

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One Response

  1. Heartless douche-baggery, blackmail, threats, disguises & hatred of a Teddy??? Sounds like a Breitbart joint, if you ask me! http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2009/08/26/57997/breitbart-kennedy-twitter/ Anybody know if Breitbart has a gluten or peanut allergy? The cops should search his house.

    Either way, holding a kid’s teddy bear hostage and threatening to cause harm to it puts you right up there with Al-Qaeda in my book.

    I recommend the kid pays the ransom, but with some “may contain peanuts” cupcakes with the warning labels pulled off them.

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