10,000 Cupcakes or the Bear Gets It

There are a million stories in the naked city — few more gripping, heart-rending and less-plausible than this.

It all started on the otherwise uneventful day of May 9, when Donovan accidentally dropped the teddy bear wrapped in a blue blanket in the PS 29 schoolyard.

“He dropped Mr. Bear, and I didn’t notice until that evening,” Bortner said. “The next day, Mr. Bear was not there.”

Weeks of trauma, anxiety, and sleepless nights for little Donovan led to one last-ditch effort this Sunday: Bortner posted “Lost” signs all over the neighborhood.

The signs featured a photo of Mr. Bear, highlighted by sunrays, plus a mention of a reward of “baked goods” and “good karma.” Bortner hoped the posters would catch the eye of someone with a clue to the whereabouts of the missing bear.

A few days after the posters went up, Bortner got her first break in the case.

Unfortunately, the return message — tacked onto the bottom of the original “Lost” poster — consisted of an ultimatum: “We have the blanket. Nothing will happen to it if we get $10,000 of gluten-free cupcakes delivered to this park.”

Lest Bortner not be able to ID the “kidnappers,” the ransom note went on: “I’ll be dressed as a pregnant woman with a baby in a stroller. My accomplice will be wearing a T-shirt, baseball cap, cargo shorts and mandrals. We’ll be obsessing over our toddler.”

Then it added this horrifying warning: “Come alone or this blanket (and bear) goes into the washer. No gentle cycle!”

Do NOT call the police. Come alone or the bear gets it.


One Response

  1. Heartless douche-baggery, blackmail, threats, disguises & hatred of a Teddy??? Sounds like a Breitbart joint, if you ask me! http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2009/08/26/57997/breitbart-kennedy-twitter/ Anybody know if Breitbart has a gluten or peanut allergy? The cops should search his house.

    Either way, holding a kid’s teddy bear hostage and threatening to cause harm to it puts you right up there with Al-Qaeda in my book.

    I recommend the kid pays the ransom, but with some “may contain peanuts” cupcakes with the warning labels pulled off them.

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