Tim Pawlenty for President

Or I could try something different…I could just tell you the truth.
Without raising taxes and cutting defense spending there’s no way on earth we’re ever going to cut the deficit, which is mostly the result of George Bush’s illegal and unjustified wars anyway.
Nevertheless, as a Republican candidate, I am going to continue braying about cutting taxes, especially for corporations and the wealthy, as the only way to create jobs and put our fiscal house in order. It hasn’t worked over the past 30 years of Republican policy, but we’re so deep in the pockets of greedy capitalist overlords, if we say anything else they gut us like a fish. You saw what happened to Newt.
Of course, that, technically, will not be telling you the truth…but if I don’t say those things there’s no way I’ll have any sort of chance of winning the primaries, which isn’t a realistic goal for a Northern governor anyway in a party that needs the support of Southern white racists. I just don’t have much credibility when it comes to blowing that particular dog whistle. I’m really just hoping to get picked for vice president.
Whatever you do, please don’t look too closely at my record as governor. I hope to do much better on the National stage. And while I’m telling you the truth, I might as well get this out of the way: Barack Obama is a pretty smart, competent guy who has done a better than expected job in the face of strident Republican obstructionism. Be that as it may, I intend to spend my entire campaign asserting that he’s stupid, malicious, incompetent, probably not Christian, definitely has Marxist sympathies and is committed, perhaps intentionally, to the destruction of life as we fantasize America once was.
I’m Tim Pawlenty and I’m running for president. And my mom died.


4 Responses

  1. This post is almost unbearably good.

    (Found it on Cesca’s blog.)


  2. I couldn’t help but notice that Pawlenty spent pa-lenty of time reading cue cards (or perhaps, God forbid, a teleprompter) while speaking for that advertisement. I’m still astounded that teleprompter jokes ever caught on during Obama’s original campaign, but the fact that this Republican loser can’t even memorize lines well enough to provide them for small snippets of his advertisement, each of which could have been re-recorded as many times as he pleased, is undeniably pathetic.

    • I don’t blame Republican politicians for using teleprompters. As Newt showed, one “slip of the tongue” and your Republican friends wrap that tongue around your neck and use it to hang you from the nearest tree.

  3. Cousinavi, didn’t you know that the phrase “The Truth” is patented? I think it’s Monsanto that owns the patent.

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