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Trump Ass Bitch

Score this a profound loss for all that is comedic. Buffoon J. Trump Combover has decided he ain’t running for POTUS. Color me disappointed. It was fun seeing the arrogant blowhard have his ass handed to him by a man who, on his worst day, is Trump’s intellectual superior (I mean Seth Myers). It was even more fun watching Trump fume like a petulant child as President Obama scorched him alive in public. It was hilarious to watch the sputtering prevaricator try to take credit for making an issue out of a racist bit of wingnut conspiracy theory, and the non-stop masturbatory stroking continues in the idiot’s announcement that he’s pulling out.
I’ve added some notes for Trump’s consideration.

After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country.

This is a lie. That’s nothing new or surprising from The Comb-over, but the fact is that your stock has dropped like the giant TRUMP sign on that development in Florida. It started dropping the night Barack Obama skinned you at the Washington Correspondent’s Dinner, and hit terminal velocity with the release of the long form birth certificate. Dropping all those “Fucks” and “Motherfuckers” in front of a bunch of women in Vegas didn’t help, either. Multiple affairs, divorces, excesses, bankruptcy, buffoonery, shady business deals…yeah, YOU could be president.
Of course, being rejected by even the crazy bastards that vote in Republican polls would never prevent an imperious fat fuck like you from claiming he was walking away from a sure thing. Speaking of which…

I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.

Of course you would, you brazen ass. You would win but you aren’t running. You know how to make America rich but you aren’t running. You know how to deal with China but you aren’t running. You know how to fix everything, do everything and save everything but you aren’t running. I guess all that blather about loving your country was about as accurate as everything else that you’ve been videotaped saying over the past few months.

I want to personally thank the millions of Americans who have joined the various Trump grassroots movements and written me letters and e-mails encouraging me to run. My gratitude for your faith and trust in me could never be expressed properly in words. So, I make you this promise: that I will continue to voice my opinions loudly and help to shape our politician’s thoughts. My ability to bring important economic and foreign policy issues to the forefront of the national dialogue is perhaps my greatest asset and one of the most valuable services I can provide to this country.

Does having someone write 391 words in which only the prepositions aren’t complete fucking lies count as personally thanking everyone?
And what fucking platform? You have a reality TV show that consists of making greedy idiots or B-List celebrities do stupid shit, fight amongst themselves, and then you fire the black ones. That’s not a platform for political punditry, you stupid cock. The only “issue” you made people talk about, you exaggerating moron, was whether or not President Obama was born in America. He had not only proven that years before, rendering you a pandering idiot right out of the gate, but (admittedly with your insistent assistance) he turned you into a laughingstock; a source of late night monologue gags; an object of derision and the subject of satire. Frankly, Ol’ Trumpy, you’d be doing us all a favor if you would just shut the fuck up and go back to slapping your name on failed developments to con people out of their money. Seeing as your Trump University scam is “on hiatus” while you try to gin up something that looks like a curriculum before you get sued again, you might not want to spread your all-too-estimable talents too thin. As for continuing to speak loudly, when exactly have you ever said anything quietly?

I will continue to push our President and the country’s policy makers to address the dire challenges arising from our unsustainable debt structure and increasing lack of global competitiveness. Issues, including getting tough on China and other countries that are methodically and systematically taking advantage of the United States, were seldom mentioned before I brought them to the forefront of the country’s conversation. They are now being debated vigorously. I will also continue to push for job creation, an initiative that should be this country’s top priority and something that I know a lot about. I will not shy away from expressing the opinions that so many of you share yet don’t have a medium through which to articulate.

Forefront? I swear to Aunt Jemimah…I’m willing to bet there have been FAR more column inches devoted to your stupid goddamn hair in the past month than to America’s relationship with China, you grandiose fucking fibber.
So, you know a lot about job creation, eh? What’s that phrase you’re so famous for uttering? “YOU’RE FIRED.” Given your support for Republican fiscal policies, one suspects that you aim to turn America into a giant version of The Apprentice, with the same ratio of that phrase to “You’re hired.” Runs about 11-1, right? No wonder you think Scott Walker is a clever fella.
Yeah, you know about job creation: Step One – go to work for Daddy. Step Two – Create position for daughter. I guess all America can hope is that you adopt 40 million people.
You blithering, lying, presumptuous cock.

I look forward to supporting the candidate who is the most qualified to help us tackle our country’s most important issues and am hopeful that, when this person emerges, he or she will have the courage to take on the challenges of the Office and be the agent of change that this country so desperately needs

Thank you and God Bless America!

Donald J. Trump

That person has already emerged. You might recognize him: tall, good looking, highly educated, erudite, successful, only married once, never been bankrupt, recently made you look like a stupid, petulant child in front of millions of people, and currently occupying the White House – the one bit of real estate on the Eastern seaboard even Americans aren’t stupid enough to let you anywhere fucking near.

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5 Responses

  1. Color me disappointed

    ColoUr me a disappointed Canadian. Do a favoUr to your fellow Canucks and use the Queen’s English, not that American bastardization. Yankified bastard!

  2. This is exactly what I was talking about when saying Trump is so good at polishing turds that he doesn’t lose even when he loses.

    The guy just got his ass handed to him on a plate. But he puts on a shit-eating grin, confidently declares himself triumphant and goes back to his idiotic TV show, his product licensing, his real estate deals, his casino and his teenage legovers as if nothing happened.

    Indeed, nothing of consequence did happen to him. Trump was a thorn in Obama’s side for months, a small but vocal part of this idiotic movement of Obama de-legitimization that has nipped at his heels for years. But even when exploded, Trump suffers no consequence other than loosing a chance to preen for the cameras for a while. Within a few months, everybody will forget about him having his ass handed to him and he’ll carry on like it never happened.

    Billions of dollars, whores at his beck and call, a media microphone whenever he wants it…if that’s losing, call me a Toronto Maple Leaf!

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