Jesus Says NO to Huckabee

Strong Huckabee poll numbers among Republicans simply means that the idiot Christian right still has massive pull within the party. Jesus, on the other hand, apparently looks further down the road and understands that people aren’t prepared to elect anyone who rather than rely on facts, evidence, history and wise counsel, clasps his hands together, closes his eyes, and asks a magical sky wizard what to do.
Oddly, it turns out that god commonly supports whatever the fuck one WANTED to do in the first place. In this case, avoiding a sound electoral thrashing after being forced to kiss ass from coast to coast was not something Jesus was prepared to inflict on good ol’ Mike Huck.

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee announced late Saturday that – in a “spiritual” decision guided by his relationship with Christ – he will not seek the Republican nomination for president in 2012.

“All the factors say go, but my heart says no. And that’s the decision that I’ve made,” he announced at the end of his FOX News show.

The 2008 presidential candidate said that his final decision not to run — which he arrived at “late this week” — came in spite of donors’ enthusiasm and robust poll numbers even in states outside of his native South. He also noted that his wife and children have been supportive of a run.

“I don’t expect everyone to understand this, but I am a believer and a follower of Jesus Christ,” he said. “And that relationship is far more important to me than any political office. For me, the discussion and decision is not a political one, not a financial one. It’s not even a practical one. It’s a spiritual one.”

Yep. Jesus done tol’ me.
I suppose all those GOP fuckers who are trying to find some way…any fucking way…to unite the party behind ANYONE who might have a chance to oust the Kenyan Mao Mao colonialist commie negrah had nothing to do with it. Now if they can just find a way to keep Palin outta the pool, and get Bachmann to withdraw, and keep that Huntsman nobody from sucking the intellectual wind out of of Newt’s sails, and get Pawlenty a personality transplant, and defrothify Santorum.
Maybe they can talk Jesus into making personal calls on the whole fucking slate. He struck Saul blind on the road to Damascus…this should be easy.


13 Responses

  1. Amazing! The news he is not running just made my day. I actually really respect his statement: “For me, the discussion and decision is not a political one, not a financial one. It’s not even a practical one. It’s a spiritual one.” I like that- it makes me feel like he is not motivated primarily by power, which is nice to hear, from anybody.

    • Piffle. He’s a politician. The only thing restraining his theocratic ass is the certainty of a sound thrashing in a general election. If he thought he had even an outside chance of being able to outlaw abortion and jam Genesis into the school curriculum alongside daily prayer, he’d run harder than Ben Johnson jacked up on meth.

      • Re: “Piffle. He’s a politician.” I agree- he could say whatever sweet sounding thing, but you’re right, the bottom line is he’s not running. As for jamming Genesis into the curriculum, I’m all for it, as long as it’s the post Peter Gabriel stuff because I think it’s a bit too weird and theatrical.

        • I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I’ve heard in rock. Phil Collins’ solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

        • Hey, I think there is some …uh…plagiarism at work in that last comment, Cousinavi. You’re working in the magazine business. You should know that if you don’t properly attribute the passage, you could be taken to Gitmo under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.

          Also, I think I better check the room for axes and chainsaws before sitting down.

        • Try and get a reservation at Dorsia now.

  2. I’m kind of surprised Huckabee isn’t running. Maybe the squirrel eater is smarter than I thought. If I were a Republican, I wouldn’t be running this time.

    Maybe Jesus told him that he’s already lost once, but made a name for himself. There’s nothing to be gained from repeating the result, especially when you’ll have to give up your job in the Republican media to do it. Better to stay where you are and build your media profile than to find yourself lost in the large Republican 2012 pack and no job to fall back on.

    Next time, there will be no Obama. If Obama wins this time, the political pendulum will be swinging towards Republican Presidential candidates, most of whom failed miserably in 2012, making 2016 a clearer field.

    I suspect the killing of Osama was a “sign from God” not to take on Obama. Jesus might not be such a bad political adviser after all.

    • The GOP is on the way out. Their “base” – lunatic fundie Christians; torture porn gobblers; xenophobic, jingoistic imbeciles, Tea Partiers; Jim Crow Southern racists; flyover state homophobes…they’re all old, getting older, and dying from a steady diet of deep fried possum grits laced with hate and topped with bullshit.
      I think another term is Obama’s to lose. After 2016, the economic pendulum will have swung back (although who can predict what’s coming, eh?) – these things do move in cycles and if the slow recovery we’ve been having continues, where the fuck would Republicans hang their policy hook?
      I don’t think Biden would run – too old, too many feet in his mouth. Smart guy, and smart enough, I think, to say, “I have served. Time for me to spend more time with my family.”
      But, and especially compared to the Republicans, the Dems have a host of strong comers. I’d fucking LOVE to see Anthony Weiner jump…although “President Weiner” is just fucking asking for it. Al Franken might have brushed up his credentials sufficiently by then if he can swing some heavier weight during O’s 2nd term. Doubtful he’d win the nomination, but he’d kill in the debates. Hillary would still be young enough to consider a run and would be extraordinarily popular.
      In any case, I think Obama wins a 2nd term, the Dems regain control of congress and hold on to the Senate. Then, and this may be more hope than reality, maybe we see the progressive president we thought we were electing four years ago.

      • Wow, I want some of what you’ve been smoking.

        Yes, the Republicans are slowly disintegrating and becoming irrelevant. They are increasingly the party of the lunatics, fanatics and billionaires. But this will do little to hurt their political prospects because:

        1) America is getting stupider and crazier by the minute.

        2) Only old people vote. Old people dropping dead really means fewer voters in general. It might hurt the Republicans a little more, but it won’t kick in for a decade or two. If more people voted, this would have a bigger and faster impact.

        3) They are the only other option. In America’s fucked up 2 party, first-past-the-post, system, the only option to what you have now is the other party. Just being “not the other guy” will win you a decent share of elections all on its own.

        If America had a viable 3rd party, competition for the “not the Democrat” vote, I do think the Republicans would improve or die. Right now, they don’t have to and they won’t. As a Republican, you can’t win it all without winning The Base first.

        Speaking of 3rd parties, I’m waiting for you to post something on the Canadian election.

        • Yay NDP!

          How was that?

        • Accurate, but a bit…uh…underwhelming? You could do something a tad less minimalist and maybe I’ll make up for it with a spleen vent.

          You should at least crank out at a half-assed attempt, if only just for the record. With (Central Canada) Frank out of commission, yours is the publication of record, isn’t it?

          A true sign of a Mickey Mouse country is that its own people ignore even the important goings on within it.

  3. @ Sedate Me

    What’s to say about it? Against all odds, Harper gained a majority but isn’t (so he says) going to use that to significantly alter what he would have done anyway because he knows there’s always another election looming.
    The NDP – huge gains. Yawn.
    The interesting thing is that Ignatief, the smartest man in the game, took such a thrashing. I’ve been gone far too long to have any thoughts on how or why that happened.
    Nice to see the Bloc eviscerated. Those fuckers have been making a joke out of opposition politics for far too long and I’m happy see their poutine jammed up their Bon Homme.
    But, seriously, me ol’ trout…I’m on t’other side of the globular mass and the politics of Cunuckistan don’t get much default play around these parts. On top of that, I’m just not interested enough in National politics north of the 49th to have much more of an opinion.
    However, should that insufferable, rotten cock Peter McKay step in it, you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be on that.

  4. Hey, considering the reams of (high quality) stuff you’ve written regarding a US election that is:

    1) just as far away from your present location.
    2) still 1.5 years away.
    C) despite being important, vastly overrated in importance.

    Given that, a token story on an election in your former home and on native land isn’t that an outlandish expectation. Consider it like eating your vegetables. US politics may taste better, but it’s laden with fats & sugars. A steady diet of it will clog your arteries and give you diabetes. Ask Boston Paul.

    Because I’m such a nice guy (cough!) let me do it for you. Here’s a few things of note about the Canadian election:

    1) You wondered how Iggy became The Stooge in all this? Iggy was essentially rendered DOA. The Conservatives used their big bucks to run American style negative ads on Iggy ever since he became Liberal leader. I saw over 100 ads BEFORE the election was called. Considering half the shows I watch don’t have ads and I usually skip over ads in the others, that’s impressive.

    The Conservatives successfully painted him as an elitist who doesn’t care about Canada and only came back to run the place. They ran clips of him on American TV saying “America is your country as much as it is mine” and “we have to do X,Y,& Zeeee”. In other words, abandoning Canada and acting like he was an American. There is no greater crime than that!

    It’s clear Harper is imitating Republican tactics: character assignation, attacking “elites” and replicating the Rich & Stupid Alliance. More disturbing is that it’s working.

    2) It’s time for some form of proportional representation. A district based, first-past-the-post system puts a sleeper hold on democracy. If you’re one of millions who don’t live in a regularly contested riding, you might as well shove your ballot up your ass and light it on fire for all the impact it has.

    In that vein, no party got a result they deserved. The Conservative vote barely moved but they got a comfortable majority purely because of how the rest of the deck was shuffled. They got 100% of the power on the basis of 39% of votes and (factoring in turnout) support of 24% of eligible voters. THERE”S A CLEAR MANDATE!

    Thanks to vote splitting, the Liberals got thwacked more than their vote drop merits. The Block went from one-time (unmerited) Official Opposition to Kim Campbell numbers on the swing of about 5% of voters. The Greens lost almost half their voters but, because they bet it all on Liz May’s riding, they achieved victory in what actually was a loss.

    The NDP, always hurt by vote splitting, grabbed some of the Block’s well distributed votes and swelled in size like my cock does while watching Scarlett Johansson. Boy, do they have some political newbies! Many were literally nominated as placeholders. One NDP MP has never been to the riding and spent half the election in Vegas.

    3) Peter McKay is Minister of Defence again and is counting down the days until Harper retires and he becomes PM. Seriously.

    4) Biker babe boinker Maxime Bernier is back in cabinet as is Bev Odour, whose bizarre Contempt of Parliament helped trigger the election. Harper’s the one with Contempt of Parliament.

    5) Speaking of contempt, in his first act after being sworn in, Mr Triple E Senate appointed 3 Senators who all lost as candidates in the election. Two of these geniuses actually left cushy Senate gigs to run as lowly MPs . Harper is showing a level of contempt reminiscent of Bush appointing Wolfowitz to the World Bank and John Bolton to the UN.

    6) Deepak Chopra won in your old riding of St Bonerface Bluenoser East. He is now the Minister of Religion & Science.

    So, that’s all that you missed. Was that so painful? Remember, you may not (or can not) pay much attention. But some day, Canada will extradite you to face justice for your crimes. 😉

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