Lynda Resnick: The MOST Vapid Shit Ever

Just when I thought no one on this planet could be dumber than Snooki, along comes some fucking brainless Aspen socialite named Lynda Resnick to lower the bar another few feet into the subterranean muck.
Writing for HuffPo (where else?), this blitheringly inane, name dropping fuckwit – clearly one of the greedhead turds lamented by Hunter S. so many years ago for ruining Aspen – proceeds to expose herself as follows:

Every year, Stewart and I open our home to the speakers who appear at the Aspen Ideas Festival, an event thrown by the Aspen Institute as a forum for the world’s thought leaders to speak on global issues. At our dinner, I always give a little speech outlining what I have learned from the sessions I attended.

Thought leaders? The World’s THOUGHT LEADERS?
What the fuck is a thought leader? Is that a measure of quantity or quality? Perhaps we’ll find out.

Each speaker brings immense light to the previously shuttered perspective of Ms. Resnick. She marvels, she rejoices, she longs…she compares her relative value in goats and is flattered that her husband “lovingly whispered” that she’s worth 50 (10 more than a Pakistani girl with a high school education!)

And who are these World Leaders of Thought that so inspire? Get your air sickness bags ready: Barbra Streisand, Arianna Huffington (surprise!), and Rick Warren – yeah, PASTOR Rick Warren. Rick Warren is one of The WORLD’S THOUGHT LEADERS! Excuse me…I need another bag.

Another quote from the almost unreadable puke fest of an article:

That Narcissus of negativity, Niall Ferguson, likened our collapse to the fall of the Roman Empire, warning that it will be much quicker. Everyone better learn how to eat with chopsticks — and fast.

Narcissus of negativity? I guess it would be gauche to dig up the long dead Nattering Nabobs…and, heaven knows, tossing in references to mythological figures makes one appear so well read. Nice touch with the xenophobic, borderline racist tagline, too. Chopsticks! What an ignorant, pedestrian, hillbilly rube, this Resnick twat.

Who else impressed Dame Resnick sufficiently to make it into her “little speech”?

Tom Friedman, whose inability to stick with a single metaphor through an entire cookie is just the way the dog bounces. The only mystery greater than what the fuck he might be writing about is how he manages to keep his gig alive.

The fucking torturous article is littered throughout with little inside jokes – tips of our lady’s curtsy – that are utterly and completely fucking meaningless to anyone who wasn’t there, and if that weren’t bad enough, each one is jammed up and fluffed out with some sort of arcane blowjoby reference designed to make Resnick seem at once both clever and well educated. The effort is a giveaway:

But it wasn’t all that grim. There were wonderful revelations: Did you know that the elegant David Bradley was really a Russian spy? I am sure we would get a lot in a swap for David, but can I be your Mata Hari?

How many goats does THAT cost?

Resnick goes on, ad nauseum, expressing her every fleeting emotion at the genius on display at her little dinner for the WORLD’S THOUGHT LEADERS.
She finds people working for gay marriage rights “downright heartwarming.” Jeffrey Rosen (Dahlia Lithwick was busy) said the USSC is irrelevant to the future of free speech, and Biz Stone hopes that Twitter will be seen “…not as a triumph of technology but as a triumph of humanity.”
Twitter. A triumph of humanity. Wrap your fucking head around THAT.

In lame ass attempts, one supposes, at humour, Resnick reveals her stunning ignorance of science and a deep disinterest in learning anything that doesn’t either jive with the general tone of her social peers or provide an opportunity for what passes for wit in her anything but agile imagination.

Juan Enriquez thrilled us with the news that they can now make a biodegradable plastic by programming bacteria. (I can’t wait to put that in an ad for FIJI Water.) He went on to reveal that there hasn’t been one person who has died from eating a genetically modified food. I guess he doesn’t mind about growing a third nostril?

DOES Lynda Resnick manage the creative team for FIJI Water?
What the FUCK is FIJI Water? Does the idea of scientific advances making plastic less of a landfill problem offend her? Or is she unaware of the massive infestation of uncountable strains of bacteria that live inside her – you know, besides the ones she picked up gobbling all that cock at her dinner. AND yet another oh-so-witty punchline! A THIRD NOSTRIL! ROFL! Oh, Lynda…really! You are SO clever (you vapid, insufferable cunt).

Laurene Powell said that IQ and talent are distributed across the population evenly, but opportunity is not. If we can find a way to bridge the great divide in our country, I believe we have hope. Say, that might make a good political slogan!

Do you see? Reading this article is like a race to the most brainless, stunningly vapid, insistently ignorant comment possible. No fact, no tautology, no plainly obvious statement spoken by anyone is not worthy of fawning praise, which is not even real praise but merely the set-up for yet another foray into the damp, moldy cum towel Lynda Resnick calls a sense of humor.

She saves the fucking capper – the perfect bullet to the brain of any thinking person – for the big finale:

But it was my hero, David Brooks — who, by the way, makes me cry every time I hear him speak — who gave me the most inspiration for our future. David related a story about a young Mexican-Chinese girl who grew up in a very troubled household, yet managed to create a great life for herself because of her innate mental disposition. It is all about resiliency, isn’t it? And above all, America is a resilient country. After all, most of us survived a whole season of Jersey Shore.

David Fucking Brooks. The most vapid, thoughtless, prevaricating, egg-brained, shallow, twisted, know-nothing fuckwit pretend journalist in the entire history of the written word makes Lynda Resnick cry.
Talk about accurately calibrating the Intellectometer! Anyone who thinks David Fucking Brooks has anything of any value to add to any conversation about any fucking thing ought not be hosting dinners – they’re too goddamn stupid to be trusted not to confuse the food with the flatware.
“INNATE mental disposition”?
Did Brooks say that, or is that Lynda playing with her thesaurus and choosing to presume nature over nurture? They’re both stupid enough to say something like that, and it makes no fucking difference – it’s one of those Imbecile meets Moron situations.
And, even despite her tears, Lynda can STILL pull off another zinger!
(Sob! Oh, David! That anecdote is SO moving! SOB! SNUFFLE! It reminds me of The Jersey Shore! ZING! POW!)

The gobbling brainless blowjob of an article concludes with an invitation to follow Lynda Resnick on Twitter. One can only imagine what she is capable of when restricted to 140 characters.

Lynda Resnick. Before today I has no idea who the fuck she was. How I long for the past.

UPDATE: Lynda Resnick OWNS “FIJI Water”. So, apparently she CAN make biodegradable plastic bottles a feature of her marketing campaign.
Apparently, she has the magical ability to bottle water that comes out of a fucking TAP for free, slap an exotic name on the bottle (I know whenever I think of Fiji, the first thing I think of is pure, refreshing water), and find a sufficient number of morons willing to pay about the price per gallon of gasoline to drink it. This makes her a fucking marketing genius, whose book is blurbed by the aforementioned James Dobson, as well as that scion of truth and fairness Rupert Murdoch.
Clearly, I have stumbled into a nest of entitled privilege and ginned up facade that can not possibly ever come to grips with the idea that she’s not only NOT a fucking genius, but in reality dumber than a rotten stump. Oh well…at least she’s still worth 50 goats.
Fucking FIJI Water. Go figure.


9 Responses

  1. I have no idea who most of the people you mention are. But when my friends speak in hushed tones of Friedman, I tend to fall silent as the withering stares I’d gather for daring to naysay his naybobs would end my night of social drinking. I love the NYTs (mostly). I’d be impressed by the janitor there. I think Friedman gets the same break.

    I tend to fool myself into thinking that smart leftish leaning people don’t kid themselves about not having biases. Intellectual honestly makes someone generally speaking a lot more likeable. Generally speaking I don’t find that of those on the right. But when it’s perfectly obvious that money coupled with the title “progressive” shouldn’t make one more tolerable, it makes me want to tell them to shut the fuck up like the rest.

    • Hey, even the smartest human out there is fully capable of being stupider than the dumbest rock sometimes. That is how stupid we are as a species. We think that because we slimed our way to the top of the food chain that we must be smarter and better than everything else.

      As the article seems to demonstrate, it’s that huge fucking human ego (individual and collective) that makes us think we’re so fucking great. I’m sure dolphins or wolves think they’re hot shit, too. But assuming humans really are in charge, take an objective look around this planet. If that doesn’t cure one of the delusion that we are an intelligent species, we’re even dumber than I thought. I mean, Sarah Palin is actually considered a legitimate candidate for the Presidency of the United States.

      Truth is, most people’s dogs outsmart them on a regular basis. My dogs have me completely conned and I’m one of the smartest motherfuckers out there.

    • Lynda resnick is an ulgy old bitch, thinks she is a god, but is really satans grandaughter, which is why she carries him in a little shitty pouch. Yes she is rich, and? That doesnt give her a right to be a bitch to people.

  2. “Every year, Stewart and I open our home to the speakers who appear at the Aspen Ideas Festival, an event thrown by the Aspen Institute as a forum for the world’s thought leaders to speak on global issues.”

    World thought leaders? Uh, where the fuck was my invitation?

    • Your invitation? Let’s see…I think someone gave it to Deepak because he said he was going to be seeking your personal advice later that day. But Deepak might have given it to James Dobson, who said he was meeting with you for a prayer session before the party got underway. Of course, it may have been handed off to Daviod Fucking Brooks, because everyone knows you ghost write that horrendous shit he runs under his byline.
      In any event, if you were SUCH a great fucking thinker, it might have occurred to you to just show up.

  3. Hey! Apart from bringing up TV memories of your youth, (The Waterville Gang) what did I ever do to you to deserve having a prayer session with James Dobson? Were you molested by a puppeteer as a child or something?

    With regards to Brooks, I know he’s a dolt, but of all the rightie douche-bags with media jobs, my impression is that Brooks is among the better of the sorry lot. He’s on The McNeil-Leher Newshour! To call him the most vapid etc, etc, would actually require reading his work, which is something I’m not sure I’m willing to subject myself to more than once a year. For that matter, it would entail reading his “competition” for the title, which I am certainly not willing to do. Actually, I wish I lived in a world where David brooks IS the worst journalist on the planet.

    But I do not ghost write for him. Turned him down 5 times now. As a matter of fact, I only ghost write for Noam Chomsky and that guy drones on so much it keeps me running 24/7. I was meaning to do a few for Hitch, but he’s prick and is impossible to work with. Maybe now with his cancer, I’ll rethink that and do a few just to be kind.

    As for my invitation to the World Thought Leaders convention, I get requests to speak at that kind of shit all the time. It’s probably somewhere in the pile.

  4. […] time ago I wrote a post about the vapid and vacuous Linda Resnick. In writing the bit, I learned that she (along with her husband) were the owners of a bottled water […]

  5. You said it all most accurately. This Resnick santorum is a scourge to thinking beings everywhere. Maybe they will die off soon.

  6. Agreed!

    Makes you wonder why people allow her even talk out loud.

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