When Will Hayward Get the Axe?

Slate is running a contest asking readers to choose the date on which “embattled” BP CEO Tony Hayward will lose his job.
Rather than choose a specific date, I’m simply going to outline the circumstances under which BP will hang the pathetic, prevaricating, clod-footed asshole P.O.S. from the yardarm.
When they finally figure out a way to cap that spewing geyser of oil in the Gulf AND the proof comes out that Corexit (the “dispersant” they have been pumping into the deep water in order to hide the true depth and breadth of their hideous malfeasance and which, from all reports, is worse than the oil itself) is going to pose a far greater risk, cause more harm and last far longer in the food chain, destroying everything with which in comes in contact, Tony will get the call.
He will be publicly removed from his position, taking full blame for the Corexit decision with him. The very next day, under the guidance of a bright and shiny new CEO, BP will cap that well.
They’re gonna do him like they did Carter with the Iranian hostages: Just hold onto them until Reagan is sworn in, eh?
So long as that fucking well continues to spew crude, Hayward is the man. The very moment someone comes up with a solution that works, he’s toast. Any bets?


17 Responses

  1. The minute that bastard sets foot on American soil to have his talk with Obama, U.S. marshals should simply arrest him.
    His company caused this, he lied about the seriousness of it, he lied about how long it would last, he launched a $50 million television commercial campaign (they’re on constantly) talking about what a great company BP is, and he’s permitting BP to pay dividends to stockholders.
    I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure our attorney general can find several felonies there.
    I’m deadly serious about this. Whoever is in line to replace him at BP might take recovery efforts as little more seriously. And no, I don’t give a shit if BP goes bankrupt. Whatever assets they have should be distributed to Gulf coast shrimpers and tourist destination owners who will be wiped out forever by this.
    When Exxon Mobile or whoever buys the existing platforms, they can buy them from Bubba-Gump shrimp as far as I’m concerned.

    • That’s a good idea. But forget bankruptcy. Seize the assets of BP right now and give it to the poor fucks “lucky” enough to live in Louisiana.

  2. To Littlejohn, I agree with most of what you say, including BP’s ultimate responsibility for the disaster because it apparently said that it was equipped to handle well-failures ten times as bad….

    but can it at least be remembered that it was Americans who built the rig not BP and americans who were manning and running it.

    BP is as much an american company as it is a british one, so making a bad guy out of britain and ‘foriegn oil’ (I’m not saying you were, but that’s been the flavour of recent media barrages) is nonsense.

    It reminds me of when Sept. 11 happened and all the guys on the planes were Saudis, but the US decided to attack Iraq instead! It would’ve at least made sense to attack Saudi Arabia!

  3. You’re exactly right, Cousinavi. They will golden parachute him the minute the bleeding stops, so that they can pin it all on him and hire a new fuckwad and “start afresh” with a brand new image makeover. British Petroleum will probably rename itself again from “Beyond Petroleum” to some other inaccurate bullshit name like “Benign Product”.

    What I want to know is when somebody will LITERALLY hang this man. I want to see somebody stick a gun up his ass, pull the trigger, and start a well deserved spill. That’s the kind of shit he deserves for dishing out dividends (any word on bonuses?) while destroying the Gulf of Mexico.

    The corporate world is structured in a way that the worst that can happen to a CEO at the helm of a colossal fuckup is that they walk away from their job with a golden parachute. Threat of murder is the only way CEOs will think twice about pulling shit like this or the sub-prime debacle.

  4. Of course they’ll replace him with another asshole, but if Hayward is in prison, his replacement will have his mind considerably concentrated to cleaning up the mess rather than whining about wanting his life back.
    Hayward should be given a parachute, all right, but it should be packed with old newspapers. Geronimo, motherfucker.
    And those goddamn ads. Don’t people realize how much we Yanks hate foreigners? Yet he comes on with that Hugh Grant accent and we want to kill him even more.
    The gulf coast is America’s most important fishery, and it is fucking dead for the next 20 years. Florida is America’s major vacation destination, and its beaches are fucked for at least 10 years.
    This isn’t a trivial accident. If BP were based in any other country, we’d have bombed the shit out of it by now.
    And yeah, American countries like Halliburton own some of the blame. Have you noticed Dick Cheney has been strangely quiet for the past couple of months? We should make like the Argentinians and just push him out of an airplane, preferable over a Gulf oil slick.

  5. I meant companies, not countries, of course, but I was on a roll.

  6. Did you watch Hayward drone “I knew nothing about that” about two thousand times Thursday to the US Congress? Remember Sgt. Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes? I’m pretty sure he ‘s reading John Banner’s old scripts.
    And that idiot Republican who apologized to Hayward because we asked BP for $20B. What, our shorelines got in the way of your oil slick? Please forgive us.
    All in all, a very nice gift to the Democrats, who can cast the GOP as pro-oil spill.

    • Sgt. Schultz?

      Hey, if we try hard enough, I’m sure we could also shoehorn a relevant Auto-focus joke into here…perhaps a reference to video of a tremendous gusher.

      Hogan! Hogan!

  7. I don’t know what your bet was, but he got the axe today.
    Now he’ll be forced to leave the company and waste his final half-century of life sunning himself on his yacht, surrounded by naked women, drinking colorful beverages festooned with little umbrellas. Oh, the humanity.

    • He didn’t get the axe. He was just removed from the Gulf clean-up. He’s still CEO.

      • Point taken, but what do you think that’s a prelude to? A man sent to death row isn’t yet dead, but his fate is fairly clear.

        • We’ll see what comes. Tho I did think they’d leave him twist til they figured out a solution. Perhaps this means there is no solution.

        • Today’s news pretty much sealed that bastard’s fate. He got photographed attending a yacht race.
          I think Dogbert the Evil Public Relations Expert is advising BP.

  8. Hayward still in charge of BP AND the response to Gulf Spill.
    The bet is still on!!!


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