Joaquin Phoenix as Edgar Allan Poe?

Despite a sudden rumour, it turns out that Joaquin Phoenix isn’t going to appear as Edgar Allan Poe, after all. To mark this non-event, I wrote a poem:

To play Edgar Allan, Joaquin was leery, he’d grown fat, was looking beery
Money? After Gladiator and Walk the Line he had no need for more.
While he played at funky rapping, smoking dope and frequently fapping
the phone kept ringing, his agent kept bringing scripts to his door.
“Fuck off,” he muttered, “sticking scripts underneath my door –
bring me skunk, and nothing more.”


5 Responses

  1. Too bad this movie couldn’t have been made a few years ago. They could have cast River Phoenix. True method acting. Even the final scene could have been genuine.

  2. I don’t like seeing everyone giving Daniel Stashower credit for a book that is not original. There were a number of books in the 19th century about the murder and Poe (many of them also titled “The Beautiful Cigar Girl”). In the 1970s, two excellent books came out about the Mary Rogers case. One by Raymond Paul called “Who Murdered Mary Rogers” and one is by Amy Srebnick, titled “The Mysterious Death of Mary Rogers”. Paul figured out a possible solution to the case that makes a lot of sense. There is also a good graphic novel by Rick Geary called “The Mystery of Mary Rogers” which would make a great film. Stashower just came afterwards and reprinted what was already written, and certainly his material is not original!

  3. Yeah, poem nails it. I can see Joaquin rapping with this.

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