American Family Association

If someone came to my door and asked if I would donate some spare change to help “The American Family Association”, I might hand over a coupla bucks based on the name. The American Family Association. Sounds like a wholesome, well-intentioned, respectable organization. Save the Children, Save the Whales, The United Negro College Fund, The American Family Association.
So much for that idea. The world is full of tricky, sneaky, underhanded motherfuckers, and the AFA is among them. If there were laws about the naming of charitable organizations, they would be called The Batshit Insane Right Wing Bible Freaks of America.
As you’ve probably heard, a killer whale grabbed a trainer last week at Sea World in Florida, dragged her under the water and drowned her. Debate has been raging ever since. Is it wrong to keep orcas in captivity? Is this particular whale a danger to humans? Should the whale be put down?
Far more questions than answers and not enough information for even the experts to be certain of anything – except for the Jesus inspired wingnuts at The American Family Association.

The American Family Association, a religious right group, is urging that Tillikum (Tilly), the killer whale that killed a trainer at SeaWorld Orlando, be put down, preferably by stoning. Citing Tilly’s history of violent altercations, the group is slamming SeaWorld for not listening to Scripture in how to deal with the animal:

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28)

However, the group is going further and laying the blame for the trainer’s death directly at the feet of Chuck Thompson, the curator in charge of animal behavior, because, according to Scripture,

But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn’t kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, “the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death.” (Exodus 21:29)

I don’t agree with the argument that Tilly should be euthanized, but I understand how it can be made. These idiotic bible thumping fucktards want to STONE the whale to death. And not just the whale, but the curator of the aquarium as well.

Just to be clear, these followers of gentle Jesus, meek and mild; the lamb of god; the saviour and redeemer, want to drag a giant fucking dolphin out of the tank and throw rocks at it until it’s dead.
Some painless form of euthanasia? No. No fucking way. These ignorant, brainless, evil, rotten fuckstains want to hurl stones at a huge cetacean until it dies.

If anyone needed more evidence that religious faith turns the brain to useless mush, there it is. Morons.

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10 Responses

  1. Here in America, any organization that has the word “family” in it is invariably right-wing nuttery. Pro-family is just code for anti-gay and anti-abortion.
    If the word “values” is in there, too, it’s time to break out the goddamn shotgun.

  2. SO, the “Old” Testament is acceptable if they need to use it, but the fuckers aren’t Jewish when it comes down to the serious stuff like keeping the 613 mitzvot, saying 100 brachot a day, and keeping kosher (even if it’s only for their version of passover.

    I mean who the fuck serves ham at passover other than a Christian?

    • It’s okay if you walk the ham around the table three times repeating, “You’re a fish, you’re a fish, YOU’RE A FISH!”

  3. As an anti-theist, I march my kosher food around the table three times chanting “you’re a pig, you’re a pig, you’re a pig.”
    No wait. That’s my wife.

  4. Littlejohn, if your wife reads this, you’ll be slapping your ham for the rest of the year.

    Laci brings up an important point. Right wing Christians love the Old Testament because it’s full of Old Testament wrath and doesn’t have much of that touchy-feely Christian stuff in it. They love pointing out arcane passages that advance their political agenda, but ignore more significant passages that don’t. I heard there’s a tonne of highly detailed rules on how to live your life in the Old Testament, (I think some people call it Judaism) including a ban on handling pig skins which, I presume, would condemn early 20th Century football players to an eternity in Hell.

    Curiously, the agenda of these people often meshes with the B.C. era better than it does the modern era. Why wouldn’t it? Their brains haven’t advanced beyond that time period either.

    And stoning whales? Are you fucking shitting me??? Not only is that several thousand year old guidline questionable in its own right, it doesn’t really apply here. It’s a wild marine animal, not a fucking domesticated ox or sheep. It ain’t just gonna wild through the village streets wounding and maiming people!

    Besides, you can’t kill a orca by stoning it anyway. The water would slow any stone a human could throw to a crawl and the layers of blubber would make sure even the hardest thrown stone would do no harm. You might as well sneeze on the damn thing.

    Fucking idiots!!!

    • How to Stone an Orca: Drag the flopping beast out of the water and place it the base of a very tall building from which you drop really big rocks. This method was effectively employed by inner-city drug dealers…sort of. They would pull up manhole covers and haul them up to the roof of the building – 14 or 15 stories up. When the police showed up for a raid, they would face a shower of cast iron “pizzas” pouring down from above.

      Of course, sneezing on the whale might work better. Infect the two-tone two-tonne fucker with a case of H1N1 (but refuse to let it have tamiflu). Of course, this method is not sanctioned by scripture, so you might as well just harpoon the bastard.

  5. Sorry that breaks the rules.

    Harpoons, even hand thrown ones, are not Biblically sanctioned stones. Neither are manholes. I’m also willing to bet there is some scripture limiting the height of buildings to 2-3 stories.

    As for pulling the orca out of the water and throwing stones at him, that’s a high risk move. The fishy out of water is much more likely to die of unsanctioned suffocation than blunt force trauma induced by human thrown stones. I also suspect that would result in some violation of Kosher Laws.

    Hey, wait a minute…didn’t Jesus say something about “Only ye without sin” casting stones?” That would effectively limit stone throwers to newborns and I wouldn’t bet on any of them throwing a heavy enough stone to kill an anchovy, never mind a killer whale.

    I guess there is just no way to kill an orca in Biblically sanctioned way.

    However, the human owner is another story altogether.

    • I guess all we can do with the damn fish is let it swallow us – hang about in there for a few days, make a fire. According to the manual, I think the whale hoarks us back up sooner or later. How did that chapter turn out, anyway? It BETTER hoark us up. I ain’t interested in the other exit.

  6. Hey, I forgot to mention where I took my holiday at the end of March….SEAWORLD!

    Yup. I intentionally chose SeaWorld over certain other Orlando theme parks mostly just so I could say I went there. I’m funny that way and it’s that kind of oppositional attitude that will get me a ticket to Gitmo someday.

    I didn’t see any protesting fucktards demanding the orca get stoned to death. But if I did, I’d have grabbed a stone and cracked their heads open right in font of all the kiddies waiting to see sea lions.

    I tried to find Tilley and initiate a jail-break by slipping a cake with a file to it, but the tank actually had guards posted and a security camera present. They had also re-designed the show so that no person was ever in the water and the only contact was when the orca was out of the water and on a stage.

    The whole time I was there, I kept think how utterly ridiculous demanding the stoning of a whale is, as if this action was somehow applicable to the situation. ( I also thought how odd it was to have killer whales dancing to lame pop tunes, but that’s another story.)

    Not only is orca stoning idiotic in a modern context, it might have been even more idiotic in Old Testament times. Killer whales in captivity would have been unimaginable to a bunch of sheep herders. They couldn’t possibly have had this in mind when writing or reading the text.To suggest doing this requires a complete misunderstanding of the original text and the purpose behind it; the proper handling of livestock and being a good neighbour.

    But he even wanted to apply the text in an incorrect manner by killing the whale by any means, and letting the owner live. “It’s God’s law and we must take it literally. But we don’t have to follow THAT part as clearly described and we don’t have to follow THAT part at all.”

    Somebody that stupid deserves a stone smashed upside their skull. Too bad he wasn’t there that day.

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