Pepper Coated Salmonella

I just thought I was dying. Had to happen sooner or later. I drink, I smoke, I don’t exercise. I figured sooner or later something would give out. Turns out it was salmonella poisoning from some Costco pepper-coated salami.
Aches and pains pretty much everywhere, headache, mild to medium confusion (for which there are other explanations), nausea, lack of appetite, overwhelming fatigue – at one point I was sleeping 12-18 hours at a stretch only to be utterly exhausted after two hours awake – fever, chills…a few other symptoms you might well imagine. Come to find out the variety pack of Italian cured meats purchased at the local Costco was infected with Salmonella Montevideo.
I am advised that Costco will happily refund the purchase price. They can take a long hard slurp on my go fuck yourself. Attempted murder ought to be worth something more than my fucking money back. We’ll see what sort of tune they sing when I serve them with an originating notice for selling me shrink wrapped pepper-coated death.


20 Responses

  1. You’re probably familiar with the Maple Leaf food Listeria debacle that killed a whole whack of Canadians in 2008. Sounds like you almost joined them. God forbid!

    I’m sure your buddy, Boston Paul, can go into much greater detail than I can, but nobody should be regularly putting this shit into their bodies, even at the best of times. The fats, the salts, the preservatives, etc, will just fuck you up. They’ll fatten you up, clog your arteries, raise your blood pressure, fuck with your moods and essentially mummify you in slow-motion. And, as you’ve experienced, it gets much worse!

    Almost gone is the day of the local butcher, where trained professionals sold actual meat to customers face-to-face for you to prepare yourself. If not a guarantee of better quality, you could at least go back to the shop and scream right into the face of the butcher who poisoned you. Instead, workers at places like Costco (They’re in Taiwan too?) give you gift certificates/refunds and yawn after you leave like it’s just another day at the office…because it is.

    Today’s meat comes from mega-corporations that employ factory workers to crank out high volumes of cheap, low quality, shit-meat at a handful of factories to be shipped all over the place. Because all that matters is maximum profit, they routinely cut corners. Because of their size and market dominance, one slip up can turn millions of people into projectile vomitters and/or shitters. Because of the difficulty of identifying these things, bad regulation and the lack of a decent media, for every food debacle you hear about, I’m sure there’s a hundred you don’t.

    The factories crank out these pre-prepared products for lazy ass fucks who just want to throw some fatty, salty, calorie filled meat-like product into their microwave (or cold cuts right onto the bread) and then shove it into their yaps as they watch mind-numbing shit on TV.

    The factories then distribute their products to huge warehouses that dare to call themselves grocery stores. They’re staffed by minimum wage workers, most of whom could give less of shit about food safety. Neither, it seems, do most governments give a shit. They prefer to do as little as possible to ensure food safety because it costs them money. I was stunned a couple years back to discover the US had about the same number of food inspectors it did back in Nixon’s day.

    And we, the consumers, eagerly swallow this shit like the successfully trained gluttons that we are.

    Who could have ever imagined that cheap, mass produced, mass consumed, food products high in salts, fats and preservatives could ever be bad for you?

    After a lifetime of programming, I’m trying to pry myself away from this bullshit, but it sure ain’t easy. The programming just can’t be easily deleted. It’s like a re-loading computer virus. The alternatives are limited and can require a lot of effort..and cash.

    However, I have fairly successfully kissed all deli meats good-bye. I only had two subs in the last 2 years. Curiously, one of them gave me about two days of wicked shits. That sub was out my back door in about as much time as it took to eat it.

  2. Mystery meat is enough of a gamble as it is, but Jebus, mystery meat from fucking Costco? What were you thinking, man?
    Costco salami is PEOPLE!
    Get better soon.

    • A friend and neighbour acquired a proper pizza oven – the really big sort you would find in a restaurant. It’s set up in his garage. Now, you need to understand that kitchens in Taiwan don’t have ovens. Pretty much a couple of gas burners and that’s it. Taiwanese don’t commonly cook at home, and when they do they fry everything (Wok with Yan!), so I haven’t even got a proper home-style stove/oven. No one does. If you have an oven in this country, it’s most likely a stand alone counter-top box oven that, well…it ain’t much of an oven.
      Anyway, when the neighbour decided to host a make-your-own pizza party, I wanted some salami, pepperoni…along with the mushrooms, peppers and olives. You can imagine how it went from there.

  3. Down the shitter, apparently.
    Seriously, I’ve had food poisoning. I lost 15 pounds in a week and a half. I didn’t know which end to hang over the toilet, because eruption was equally likely at both.
    As your attorney, I recommend heavy drinking.

    • That’s a measure of how fucking sick I was, counselor. A full bottle of rum sat untouched on my kitchen table for a WEEK.
      I am recovered. The rum needs replacing.

  4. “A friend and neighbour acquired a proper pizza oven…” -Cousinavi

    You’d be surprised how many stories that begin with those words end in death.

  5. SM: You may have discovered a topic for the Mythbusters to tackle.

  6. Cousin, do you have a facebook account? You know my email. I realize it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet, but I know a friend when he writes like Hunter Thompson. Does this sound too gay? Sorry.

  7. Yeah, LitttleJohn, asking to hookup on Facebook does sound pretty gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay mind you…but social networking is for homos!

    Myself, I’m more of a Fuckbook kind of guy.

  8. Oh the horribly painful irony!

    Ok, so I give this rant about killer cold cuts and feel all good about myself for not giving in. Then guess what? In a moment of weakness -and a barrage of TV sub ads- I broke down and bought myself a sliver of a carcass from hell.

    About 2 hours after wolfing the factory produced, pig-like material down, I had a blistering headache, was dizzy and was falling asleep at my desk. A few hours later, the shitting began.

    Usually when suffering from food poisoning, which seems to happen more frequently every year, (probably due to worsening standards of food production and preparation) having diarrhoea is usually a good sign. It means that it’s on its way out. This time was different. It was just the beginning.

    After passing what seemed like shit-rockets out of my ass for 10-15 minutes, I staggered to my feet thinking “Well, I guess I can flush that goodbye and start feeling better.” I was wrong on both counts.

    It might have been as loose as Paris Hilton, but I could not flush that shit down. A few minutes of a plunger duel with the toilet resulted in a costly victory. This shit went down, but my supper went up. The fight was moving to a new battleground.

    At 4am, I woke up drowning in a pool of sweat and stagger-sprinted my way into every piece of furniture in the building until making my way to the bathroom. The next 15 minutes went almost EXACTLY like this,

    except for the fact that I was alone in a bathroom and didn’t have subservient French restaurant staff and rich customers to splatter on, which might have made it more enjoyable.

    The rest of the weekend was a mass of headaches, chills, fevers, dizziness, blackouts and mock shits and pukes. I say “mock” because the body was going through the motions even though there was nothing left to barf or shit.

    I spent the entire weekend motionless on the couch in a virtual coma. From Friday evening to Monday morning, I was not conscious for more than about half an hour straight. I had dreams (and I shit you not) of demons mildly resembling bulls and boars rampaging over towns and countrysides skewering, impaling and gnawing on terrified medieval villagers in some form of Satanic Cold Cut Revenge.

    This kind of stuff

    Those dreams were the best part of my weekend.

    • Perhaps you chalk it up to unsanitary production of mystery meats too quickly. Maybe you’re really a closet Muslim or Hasidic Jew and had a physio-religious reaction to consuming the forbidden flesh. Perhaps those were not demons, but dubyks.
      REPENT! Repent and your sphincter shall be saved!

  9. Actually, I’m new to FB and I fucking hate it. Ever since I signed on a couple of months ago, every idiot I ever went to high school with has insisted on friending me. I can’t bring myself to say no, even though I haven’t seen them in 40 years.
    Their pages are full of unicorns and Jesus and new agey shit. A couple are actually working as chiropractors and aromatherapists. On a more troubling note, about 10 of the 250 people I graduated high school with are dead. God knows how many are in prison. I’m old, but I’m not that damn old – i’m 55.
    Cousin, I found you but you’re unfriendable, if that’s a word. Given my brief experience, I think I understand why. I should have done the same thing.
    BTW, why are you a fan – or whatever – of “mormon”?
    You understand those annoying assholes don’t drink, don’t you?
    And SM, don’t call me gay, you silly goose.

    • See

      I also have a friend who came to Taiwan as a LDS missionary, and who credits me (at least in part) with helping him break away from that foolishness. He now teaches intro philosophy at a secular university in Utah.
      In any case, subsequent to the above linked bit, I witnessed some of the Elders trying to convert a child – maybe 12 or 13 years old – outside a department store. I went over and told them to leave the kids alone. If they want to try to brainwash adults with their stupidity, fine…but as far as I’m concerned, they can leave impressionable children the fuck alone. I advised them that if I spotted them targeting kids again, matters would quickly escalate beyond a stern warning.
      I joined the Mormon page, as well as sending a few pointed emails to their mission headquarters, in order to be certain that they had received my demand and to keep an eye on their public statements.
      You ought to be able to friend me. Send me a message on FB.
      And don’t worry about SM (which, of course, really stands for sado-masochist).

  10. Yeah, CousinAvi, my sphincter will get in line for religious conversion right after your sphincter. (How’s that for sounding gay, LittleJohn? )

    I’d rather convert to Islam than Judaism. I’d rather go out in a suicide bomb than allow some fucking clown to slice up my junk. (Although, I have to admit I do find Jewish women pretty hot.)

    As for forbidden flesh, I now wish this stuff was forbidden. I eat this deli-meat shit 3 times in 2 years and get violently ill within hours twice…and I got the meat from two different sources. I know that’s not “scientific proof”, but I ain’t willing to go through that again just to prove it…no matter how many ads Subway throws at me in order to trigger a programmed response.

  11. Sorry to break your heart, Sedate Me, but Muslims practice male circumcision as well.

  12. Really? Motherfucker!!!

    Then to Hell with both of those genital mutilating religions!!!

    • Of all the contemptible, disgusting, ridiculous, shameful and foolish bullshit the religious get up to, snipping a bit of useless skin from the end of an infant’s cock is what really twists your knickers?
      Jebus…these kids, before they reach anything like the age of reason, are gonna pierce their ears, eyebrows, tongues, navels and nipples, have misspelled tattoos inked into various parts of their skin, and engage in a long list of asinine, rebellious stupidity that ought to justify retroactive abortion.

  13. Useless skin? I don’t know about you, but every skin cell on my pecker is far more valuable to me than a chance to win a ticket to some intergalactic Disneyland.

    Sure, it’s certainly far from the worst thing religions do, but letting anybody slice up my junk is just a game-breaker for me (or any other sane person) all on its own.

    To me, circumcision is just part of the religious package that tells you what you can/can’t do with you body, who you can have sex with, that you can’t have an abortion, etc. It’s all about exercising control over a person’s body. Circumcisions are generally preformed on non-consenting, non-adults. The purpose is to claim rights over people before they can even speak and to leave a permanent physical reminder behind, a religious version of branding slaves with their owner’s mark.

    It’s done to babies because what right thinking adult would chop off any part of their dick off to join a religion? Sure, there’s all kinds of morons out there carving up their bodies for fun, including their dicks, but they’re fucking nut jobs.

    • Speaking as a circumcision survivor, I tend to draw a distinction between the loss of my foreskin (jokes about leather workers and wallets notwithstanding) and the removal of the female clitoris.
      Leaving aside various and sundry medical studies which indicate that those sans foreskin have a lower risk of being infected with HIV, on the gray scale of things people do to themselves (and their offspring for ANY reason) male circumcision seems a rather niggling objection – more like a dew claw, less like a kidney, n’est pas?
      As for skin cell counts, turns out I have some to spare. Of course, they might all have been lying.
      Branding, tattoos, burqas, hairstyles, wide-leg jeans, mood rings, turbans, foreskins…it would seem to be a sorites argument on its face.
      Quite honestly, I don’t GET the “circumcision is mutilation” argument…no more than I get the “piercing your ears in mutilation” argument. Even more honestly, I think navel piercings on women are hot, and tongue piercings even more so.
      I have not been mutilated. Trust me…it works FINE.
      That said, the religious justification for it is so much horse cock. There is no covenant because there is no god. THAT said, I see no particular reason to get one’s knickers twisted over such insignificance.

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