Sarah Palin on Fox

She is the thing that will not die and we have McFrankenCain to blame for it.

Had she not been cravenly tapped for vice president, her vicious, blithering idiocy would have eventually played out in Alaska and she would have returned to Wasilla, known only locally as that nutty one term governor with a brood of oddly named children.
Now, she’s got a ghost-written book full of lies and yammering nonsense, will be the keynote speaker at the Teabagger’s Convention in Nashville – co-starring Michelle Bachmann…Thelma and Louise meets Dumb and Dumber – and is still mentioned as a possible candidate for president in 2012, if not for the fractured and suffering GOP then bearing the standard of a third party. One shudders to imagine the platform.

As if that weren’t ugly enough…too ugly, in fact, for the timid to contemplate, it gets worse. The blithering idiot has accepted a spot at Fox News. A bigger platform than Facebook to infect the sheep with her mad cow hoof-in-mouth disease.

Sarah Palin, former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate, will return to her broadcast roots and take her conservative message to Fox News as a regular commentator, the cable channel announced Monday.

“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,” Palin said in a statement posted on the network’s Web site. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.”

Fox said that according to the multiyear deal, Palin will offer political commentary and analysis on the cable channel, as well as Fox’s Web site, radio network and business cable channel.

She also will host occasional episodes of Fox News’ “Real American Stories,” a series debuting this year that the network said will feature true inspirational stories about Americans who have overcome adversity.

“Governor Palin has captivated everyone on both sides of the political spectrum and we are excited to add her dynamic voice to the FOX News lineup,” Bill Shine, executive vice president of programming, said in a statement.

The network declined to say when Palin will start or how much she is being paid. Also unclear is how the arrangement will work, whether Palin will move to New York or commute from Alaska.

Return to her broadcast roots? Roots? Jumped up jesus on skis, they make her sound like William Fucking Paley! This ditz attended six schools in five years…or five schools in six years (who can keep it straight?) in order to obtain a degree in journalism. She never worked for any of her college papers, never took a shift at any college radio stations. No surprise there, she can’t write or speak a cogent sentence. Is there anything quite so cliche as a beauty pageant participant studying communications?
She then managed to hold down a part-time job as a weekend sports reporter, but QUIT after a few months allegedly due to the low pay. Shades of things to come, eh? Roots, though? Those aren’t roots…those aren’t even sprouts. That’s just water following the path of least resistance – gravity at work.

Sarah is “thrilled” to be joining the broadcast and management team.
Apparently someone needs to explain to her that being a paid yammering lipflap on Fox does not make you part of the management team. Of course, given her “position flexible” notion of what the vice president does, perhaps she expects to sit in on strategy sessions with Rupert.

Fair and balanced? It’s really a beautiful thing the way stunningly myopic, stubbornly ridiculous bullshit just rolls off her tongue. Much like when the investigation into TrooperGate found that she abused her authority as governor, and the first words out of her mouth were, “Well, I’m very very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing … any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that.”
Fair Fox ain’t. Balanced Fox ain’t. Unbalanced, certainly…cue Glenn Beck in tears.

Political commentary and analysis! From a woman who doesn’t know what the vice president does, can’t answer a question about what she reads, and blithers out mangled, plagiarized cut-and-paste wing-nut nonsense almost every time she opens her mouth.
A petty, petulant, ill-informed, untraveled, evolution denying ignoramus whose folksy “Can I call ya Joe?” was a mask crafted to cover the sad fact that she couldn’t remember Biden’s name.
This is a woman whose “Death Panels” bullshit was named The Biggest Lie of 2009.
What does she say? “I’m not backing off that claim.

On what planet does this happen? In what sort of country? What the hell is happening? What the FUCK is wrong with you people?

An anti-science, young earth creationist, barely educated, functionally illiterate, constitutionally vapid, unread, xenophobic, backwater beauty queen is going to provide political commentary AND ANALYSIS!
Imagine! “And now, let’s get Sarah Palin’s opinion.”

Winston Churchill is truly fertile ground for appropriate quotes, but I’ve long admired this one: “Your right to an opinion does not obligate me to take you seriously.”
Apparently, Winnie, you’re wrong. If the opinion – so marketed by and to the lowest common denominator – can move enough ignorant people, Christian fundamentalists, racists, gun nuts and assorted astro-turf cranks of varying stripe to unite and move as a single mindless herd, you goddamn well DO have to take them seriously.

Of course, the truth is always a perfect mirror. Who the fuck am I?

Well, I’m not on Fox News, certain ideological conflicts notwithstanding.
Nor do I have a NYT bestseller that I didn’t write myself and about which everyone remotely associated with the circumstances says is factually full of shit.
Nor am I being paid $50,000 to address a mob of teabaggers in Nashville while pointedly turning my back on the very party that put me in a position to get the $50,000. What do you bet she’s wearing one of those sweet little outfits from her $150,000 shopping spree. Silly girl…those are SO last year.

The question remains: Why is Sarah Palin’s opinion about anything worth paying her to muddle it all up by trying to SAY it?

She was inappropriately whisked to fame in a craven and desperate political ploy that ought to offend everyone. Beyond that, there is no good reason to ask her opinion about anything.
Let me be absolutely clear about this: If I want to know how to field dress a fucking caribou, there’s a long list of people who know a goddamn infinity more about it than Sarah Fucking Palin.
She can teach the course on how to fly 14 hours at full-term after your water broke and your Down’s baby is about to be born.
Oh…and she can also teach the abstinence only sex education program. I’m sure Bristol, through her foundation, would love to help.

What the fuck is going on?
Sarah Palin’s OPINION?
You can’t be serious.

There is something wrong. And someone needs to put a stop to this moronic bullshit.
It’s going to get out of hand and we’ll be lucky to live through it.
And while I’m at it, Fuck You, Sean Hannity.


17 Responses

  1. The US is an idiocracy. For that matter rent the movie of the same title.

    Scary isn’t it?

  2. Wow, Sarah Palin gets a job at FOX Noise!

    Like any person with more brain cells to rub together than Sarah Palin didn’t see this one coming!

  3. The fact that Sarah Palin can get a job (even at FOX) demonstrates everything that’s wrong with the media. Actually, the mere fact that jobs like this exist for people like her to fill says plenty. Ultimately, this is not about news. This is about celebrity, name recognition and entertaining audiences.

    The real problem is that the media has far too much opinion and argument and not enough actual information. As a result, there is such an endless supply of commentary jobs out there that someone as undeserving as Sarah Palin can be offered one. At a REAL News Channel, if commentary jobs existed at all, they would be so few in number that two-term Vice-Presidents would fight over them. Never mind Caribou Barbie, ANY failed VP candidate shouldn’t be able to walk into a network and get a commentator job.

    Yeah, technically Sarah Palin has a related degree and some past experience as a newsreader. Yeah, she was a Governor and a VP candidate. Perhaps that could qualify her for some minor commentary position…on paper. The reality is that (outside of Alaska) she isn’t even as qualified as she appears because she governed a nowhere state for only 3 years and her VP candidacy was a joke. It’s not like she has a depth of experience to draw on. She’s no Mario Cuomo who Governed a major state like New York for 3 terms and probably knows everything there is to know about the system. Sarah Palin is a flash in the pan with NOTHING to offer beyond personality and looks. That’s how low the bar is set today.

    With nothing more than looks and a media profile, you can get a job at a “News” Network. You need know nothing about journalism. (Palin apparently doesn’t even read newspapers.) You need know nothing about the world or how it functions. You could be as dumb as a rock. But as long as you look good on TV, speak somewhat coherently, entertain the audience and tow the ownership’s party line when required, you can get a job flapping your gums at a place that pretends like its there to keep you informed.

    This is why the world is so fucked. Our sources of information are so polluted by irrelevancy and profit motived entertainment, all we get is fragments of useful information buried in meaningless bullshit. Even the smartest people can be rendered stupid in such a climate.

  4. I see she’s already been asked to name her favorite Founding Fathers. She answered – and I know everyone can see this coming – “all of them.”
    After about five minutes of her beauty-contestant-explains-how-to-achieve-world-peace yammering, someone apparently whispered “Washington” to her, so she ran with that.
    You could hit a chimp over the head with a sledgehammer and it would still be smarter than that winking piece of shit.

  5. In the life of a Palin, supply-side is to economics as trickle-down is to pregnancy test strips.

  6. Littlejohn, I could see that answer coming before the question was even asked.

    Sure, she’s such an ignoramus that it’s too easy to claim she can’t name a single Founding Father. I’m sure she can, but smoke might come out of her pretty little ears. It’s certainly safe to say she couldn’t talk about one in any meaningful way, at least not without being prepped by a handler first.

    However, even if she knew everything there was to know about them all, she would probably give the exact same answer. It’s the beauty queen in her coming out. Being a beauty queen is about being attractive without being slutty and being confident in the interview without really saying a damn thing. Giving bland, inoffensive, answers that please all listening is a required skill for a beauty queen. You know mom, apple pie, milk, world peace, puppies…especially the puppies….duct taped puppies in swimsuits and heels…er…Where was I?

    Actually picking out a favourite Founding Father or two might philosophically define her and narrow her appeal. Her over arching philosophy is winning by looking pretty and saying what the audience wants to hear. She wouldn’t want to offend a Jefferson fan by saying “Hamilton”. That’s why she would avoid being specific with the answer “All of them.” Bland, milquetoast, All-American responses that you can fill in with whatever you want.

    Most Americans have grown up watching and loving the same TV/movie archetype. That archetype is the tough cop who catches heat for “bending” the rules, tend to keep cool and usually has snappy one liners. (Think: Dirty Harry)

    Although many would probably despise such people if they actually came in contact with them in real life, people respond to media images of the rule-breaker. Looking at them objectively, often the biggest difference between the rule-breaking cop and the villain is that the rule-breaker is funny or attractive and is ultimately part of the establishment. It makes them “safe”. But in the end, they can actually be more dangerous than either the villains (because they have guns and badges and don’t follow rules) or the existing establishment. (because the establishment obeys the rules)

    This is very similar to Sarah Palin’s formula for success. She’s a “maverick” in the way that she’s not afraid of bending the “politically correct media’s rules”…even though she now works for the media…promoting the same Republican party line everybody else there is. But she’s cuter and funnier! You betcha! That’s why she’s popular in some circles and it’s why “The Left fears her”. (if it actually does) She’s the lovable, rule breaking, maverick, even though she’s not, whereas the rest of the Republicans have a whiff of “villain” about them .

    She’s a pit-bull hockey mom. But she’s not one of those mouthy cunts who verbally abuse everybody at the arena and drive kids away from the game. The young guys don’t want to kill her like those other hockey moms. They want to have sex with her. She wears lipstick and has a $150,000 wardrobe. She looks all purdy, laughs and says “Aw, shucks. We’ll get ’em next time lil’ guy.”

    This is her real message:

    “I’m a maverick..but I’m one of you. And I want to oppose what’s going on in Washington…so I can get to Washington and continue what’s been going on there for decades.”

    Attractive without being slutty. Being confident in interviews (Katie Couric aside) without saying a damn thing.

    He she is…Ms America.

  7. SM, point taken. But are you really suggesting she’s aware of the differences between Hamilton and Jefferson?
    I think she said “all of them” for the simply reason she couldn’t think of one. I think she’s an ignoramus.
    But unlike most people, who have the sense to say “I don’t know” when a question goes over their heads, she simply forges on.
    In that respect, she absolutely is the quintessential beauty contestant. After all, when asked how they intend to improve literacy among children, beauty queens can’t say “How do I know?” They are expected to fake it, and they get credit if they can pull it off without bursting into tears.
    I honestly think she approaches all contests – even elections – exactly the way she approached the Miss Alaska pageant. She doesn’t know any other way to do it.
    And she’s too stupid to realize she’s fucking up and that reasonably bright people are laughing at her. She reminds me of a two-year-old who beams up at Mommy after displaying the huge shit she left in the toilet.

  8. Sedate Me, after reading my previous post I can see where someone might think I was disagreeing with you, but the opposite is true.
    The simplest explanation, from a scientific perspective, is that when I wrote that I was drunk.

  9. But are you really suggesting she’s aware of the differences between Hamilton and Jefferson? I think she said “all of them” for the simply reason she couldn’t think of one. I think she’s an ignoramus. LittleJohn

    Yes, the MOST likely explanation is that she can’t even name one and didn’t want to guess and look as stupid as she is.

    That said, the vast majority of people can’t name more than a couple without looking it up. Hell, on a bad day, I need to check the Internet after 3 or 4. Watching HBO’s John Adams sure helped refresh my memory.

    Yet Americans are expected to worship them all as gods; gods who created their perfect nation. Not only is it national narcissism, I think it’s as silly as venerating all current members of Congress. It takes a group of individuals representing divergent groups, who have differing ideas and abilities and turns them into one identical, factory built, product…The Founding Father.

    Under the above rationale, “All of them.” makes an unfortunate bit of sense and lends further credence to Palin’s “I’m one of you” claim. She is ignorant (in the truest sense of the term) as most Americans are.

    My point was that even IF she knew as much as any historian out there, she would STILL say “All of them”. That way, she wouldn’t offend Jefferson, Hamilton, Franklin, Madison, Adams, Washington or Jay fans (as opposed to Blue Jay fans) OK, I looked the last one up.

    Perhaps even more importantly, if she were to prattle on about why she liked George Mason’s reasoning for refusing to sign the US Constitution or why Pierce Butler introduced the “Fugitive Slave Clause”, it would actually hurt her more than help her. That’s because it’s better to be seen as somebody who is just as stupid as everybody else than it is to be seen as a “smartypants”. If she were to get specific, it would attack the popular notion that the Founding Fathers are all equal, all godlike. It could be seen as “Anti-American in a way.

    You don’t usually win by making the majority of the population feel stupid, especially when they are, or by challenging popular misconceptions. You stand a much better chance by blending in, by being “one of them” and Sarah Palin knows it. She’s betting everything on it.

    Sarah Palin’s success is a direct function of America’s ignorance.

    But unlike most people, who have the sense to say “I don’t know” when a question goes over their heads, she simply forges on. LittleJohn

    Exactly what I’m talking about. They call it “poise” in the beauty contest racket. The ability to forge on despite being over your head is the difference between winning the crown and being Ms Congeniality…that and blowing the judges….which is something Palin is more than willing to do to, if only metaphorically. That’s why she’s on FOX.

    Actually, Sarah Palin’s strategy largely relies on “blowing” the Great Unwashed, making them feel good about themselves and reaffirming their ignorance. That’s why she doesn’t fear criticism and, in fact, usually welcomes the attacks because they make the stupid sympathize with her even more.

    Ironically, assuming she’s even cognisant of what she’s doing, the strategy borders on brilliant. As long as she can stay in the spotlight, this totally worthless candidate actually has a chance at getting into the White House.

  10. I agree entirely, and this time I’m sober.
    What really bugs me apropos the Founding Fathers are the conservatives who invariably assign prissy religious beliefs to them that most clearly never held.
    I think the Palins of this world are confusing the Founders with the Pilgrims, who weren’t exactly the buckle hat-wearing prudes of too many elementary school reenactments. After all, the Mayflower’s log lists the reason for going ashore at Plymouth was that they had run out of beer. Presumably they then opened the first 7-Eleven.

    • It also marked the first sale in the New World of a tin of Star-Kist tuna.
      Stupid Pilgrims almost starved to death…and would have if it weren’t for the fact that the local Native American population took pity on them and gave them a can opener.

  11. Little John is being funny, but I think he’s actually not far off the mark.

    There is a tendency in America to mythologize everything and turn it’s history into one homogenized continuum of American greatness. As such, it all blurs together and completely loses it meaning. It takes America outside of the proper historical context and isolates itself from the rest of humanity. Sometimes, with God’s permission, it can bend time and space.

    America seems to wants to turn it’s history books into holy books, a new New Testament of the Bible, the Book of America…kind of like The Book of Mormon, only somewhat more realistic.

    In it, you get stuff like:

    – In the beginning, there was Plymouth Rock. And God said, “Let there be the Mayflower.” and America was born. And it was perfect.

    – George Washington and his 12 Founding Fathers ran the money taxing British Empire out of their temples.

    – With God’s help, America single handedly saved the world from the Anti-Christ’s Nazi armies in both World Wars.

    And like any religion, there are Holy Sacraments of the Church of America that can’t be violated or even questioned For example: military spending, or the idea that America and Israel are God’s chosen people, even though all Jews must be converted.

    So, what you get is a lot of flat, 2 dimensional, unrealistic, celebratory and faith based views of America’s past. Fact or “nuance” be damned!

    The continuum of American exceptional-ism can be stifling. For example: “Messing with healthcare is Un-American because, if America was meant to have universal healthcare, the Founding Fathers would have said so!”

    Meanwhile, in Canada we say “John A Mc-Who? Oh, yeah he invented hamburgers, right?”

  12. Sir, I resent being called funny. Harummph.
    Besides, everyone knows hamburgers were invented by the prosecuting attorney of the same name on the old Perry Mason show.
    And Perry’s secretary invented streets.

  13. Wow. I actually had to look that arcane and Canadian related reference up! Usually, I’m the one dropping such references. (What is this? An introduction to an opposite sketch? Ha-ha)

    I think that falls under the “digging in the corners” category. Good work, LittleJohn!

  14. Hey loved the article, but one thing is bothering me. It appears as though your blog has broken? I am running Firefox maybe its a problem with one of my plugins or something like that. I will try removing my newest ones and tell you if that fixes it.

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