An area cocktail waitress, Tiffany Slotcrack, held a press conference today in order to answer rumours that she had conducted an off-and-on sexual affair with embattled sport Lothario Tiger Woods.
“It’s not like anyone actually said, you know, that I was, like, you know, actually having, like, sex with, you know, like, Tiger…but given the, like, numerical odds, I could tell that people were, like, beginning to wonder,” Ms. Slotcrack attempted to say, employing an annoying rising interrogative tone.
Woods, who has recently been linked to a string of skanky ho’s seemingly all employed as waitresses of one stripe or another, had no comment, except to say, “What the fuck is wrong with these stupid bitches? Apparently one’s pissed off that I was banging other women besides her, and another one is complaining that I only used her for sex! Don’t these goddamn star fuckers know the meaning of the word mistress?”
A small group of waitresses (very small) has formed on the social networking website Facebook under the name, “We Did NOT Fuck Tiger.”
While all of the members are adamant that they have not made the beast with two backs with the world’s number one professional golfer, there appears to be some in-fighting as to the purpose of the group. One faction is demanding that the general public, simply due to their form of employment, not presume that they have given it up to Woods, while the opposing faction is lobbying for equal time gobbling Wood’s wood.
A spokes-waitress for the later gang of celebrity obsessed skanks put it this way: “If everyone is going to think, just because I hang around the golf course and go dancing at Tiger’s hotel bar wearing my favorite micro-mini with no panties and write, ‘I’ll keep my mouth shut when you’re not using it, Tiger!’ on my tits in red lipstick, that I’m somehow just another Tiger whore, then I might as well get some! All those other sluts are getting paid. Why not me, too?”
Miss Slotcrack nodded her head vigorously. “Yeah, I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t, like, totally do Tiger. It’s, you know, that everyone, like, thinks I have when I, you know, haven’t, like, done it…yet.”