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Local Cocktail Waitress Did Not Screw Tiger Woods

An area cocktail waitress, Tiffany Slotcrack, held a press conference today in order to answer rumours that she had conducted an off-and-on sexual affair with embattled sport Lothario Tiger Woods.

“It’s not like anyone actually said, you know, that I was, like, you know, actually having, like, sex with, you know, like, Tiger…but given the, like, numerical odds, I could tell that people were, like, beginning to wonder,” Ms. Slotcrack attempted to say, employing an annoying rising interrogative tone.

Woods, who has recently been linked to a string of skanky ho’s seemingly all employed as waitresses of one stripe or another, had no comment, except to say, “What the fuck is wrong with these stupid bitches? Apparently one’s pissed off that I was banging other women besides her, and another one is complaining that I only used her for sex! Don’t these goddamn star fuckers know the meaning of the word mistress?”

A small group of waitresses (very small) has formed on the social networking website Facebook under the name, “We Did NOT Fuck Tiger.”
While all of the members are adamant that they have not made the beast with two backs with the world’s number one professional golfer, there appears to be some in-fighting as to the purpose of the group. One faction is demanding that the general public, simply due to their form of employment, not presume that they have given it up to Woods, while the opposing faction is lobbying for equal time gobbling Wood’s wood.
A spokes-waitress for the later gang of celebrity obsessed skanks put it this way: “If everyone is going to think, just because I hang around the golf course and go dancing at Tiger’s hotel bar wearing my favorite micro-mini with no panties and write, ‘I’ll keep my mouth shut when you’re not using it, Tiger!’ on my tits in red lipstick, that I’m somehow just another Tiger whore, then I might as well get some! All those other sluts are getting paid. Why not me, too?”

Miss Slotcrack nodded her head vigorously. “Yeah, I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t, like, totally do Tiger. It’s, you know, that everyone, like, thinks I have when I, you know, haven’t, like, done it…yet.”

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13 Responses

  1. Holy Science! Just the name Slotcrack makes this a post for the ages. Brilliant.

  2. Classy. 😛

  3. An excellent piece (no pun intended) of investigative journalism!

  4. Wow, you have a website. You are a mercurial fellow.
    You seem to have quite completely pissed off a bunch of folks.
    We haven’t always gotten along so well, but I do support your currently expressed intellectual/political positions(for all that that matters).
    All the best.

  5. What kind of world are we living in when a billionaire who spends most of his time playing golf and hanging around exclusive country clubs can’t nail cocktail waitresses at will without having the useless, lazy, scandal-driven, media pounding on the walls of his gated community? Poor sod. I just don’t know how he will carry on.

    What good is being filthy rich if you can’t get a legover with easily impressed sluts without being publicly vilified?

    I remember a time when even dime-store whores had enough class to keep their cum filled mouths shut.

    • No shit. The worst part…I mean the WORST part…is that now it’s all done.
      Elin, the hot model, is gonna divorce him. After all, it’s not one chick…it’s a goddamn pageant string of cock gobbling star fuckers. A busload. And she’s gonna take him to the fucking cleaners. Pre-nup? Meaningless. This is gross negligence. Egregious shit that will cause any judge to toss out any agreement that was predicated on some sort of “breakdown of marital relations.”
      The sponsors are history. The shouts from the gallery will not now be confined to “GET IN THE HOLE!”…at least not insofar as that statement refers to a Titlist and the cup.
      The SHINE is off. The image is cracked. After the beating Tiger’s gonna take in the court of public opinion, not to mention divorce court, he’s gonna be cock shy. He’ll run screaming from any woman who so much as smiles at him, and that’s not even counting the fact that the quality of the skanky ho’s that will flop for him now is bound to drop like the Dow Jones on Black Friday.
      No more hostesses from the VIP lounge who fuck Derek Jeter when they’re in NYC. No more part-time lingerie models who work the shooter bar at upscale hotels during the Masters. Nope. Tiger will be lucky to get phone numbers from the waitress with varicose veins pulling a double shift at Iqbal’s Down Home Ameericane Diner.
      Talk about not knowing what you got til it’s gone.
      And you’re right. The only thing more disgusting than Tiger throwing that all away over a few pieces of dirty talking slut tail is the eagerness with which the bitches are lining up to go public. And every fucking one of them has saved every fucking text message, every voice mail…they willingly describe the length, thickness and shape of his cock as proof they scuffed up their knees for Tiger. Like Monica Lewinsky SAVING the cum-stained dress, if there was ever proof that you can’t trust women, there it is.

  6. In fairness to Lewinsky, a dress with Presidential spooge on it has some historical significance and could potentially be used to clone him someday. (I blame Linda Tripp more than Monica anyway.)

    On the other hand, saving text messages and e-mails is just vile, premeditated, gold digging by malicious rent-a-cunts.

    “Tiger will be lucky to get phone numbers from the waitress with varicose veins pulling a double shift at Iqbal’s Down Home Ameericane Diner.” Cousinavi

    You would think so. But the truth is probably the opposite. Every money scheming whore will be lined up around the block because they smell blood. Mind you, these are the stupid, second rate, scheming, skeezers. By the time Tiger gets his tail out from between his legs and starts using the other thing between his legs again, he will not only be damn near broke, he’ll be far more careful and/or may not even care enough to bribe them into silence. Also, the media payday for second generation Tiger pussy tell-alls will be much smaller.

    This is yet another story I wish never heard of. But thanks to our dysfunctional media, the public’s demand for cheap titillation and the sheer volume of skeezing, whore bags with agents who are willing to sell a guy out for pocket change, these things just keep on coming and bumping aside real news.

    The only good thing about this debacle is that we might get the chance to watch the douchebage corporations who try to star fuck their way into bigger profits by paying Tiger obscene amounts of money to pimp their shit squirm. It will be rather enjoyable to watch as they try to abandon Tiger’s sinking ship without looking like they are. I hope at least some shit sticks to them.

    This just in: Rich man gets laid. More at eleven.

    • You would think so. But the truth is probably the opposite. Every money scheming whore will be lined up around the block because they smell blood. Mind you, these are the stupid, second rate, scheming, skeezers. By the time Tiger gets his tail out from between his legs and starts using the other thing between his legs again, he will not only be damn near broke, he’ll be far more careful and/or may not even care enough to bribe them into silence. Also, the media payday for second generation Tiger pussy tell-alls will be much smaller.

      Dude. You can’t start a paragraph with, “You would think so, but…” and then go on to agree with me.
      VARICOSE VEINS!

  7. Well, it is usually hard to disagree with you, mostly because you are usually right (aka agree with me). Like most, this one is just a matter of degree.

    These days, there are so many scheming sluts out there, the ones with varicose veins that you’re describing barely crack the 4th Rate Whore strata anymore.

    Remember, Tiger was a fucking billionaire (just because he can whack a little ball around) and he still has enough game left to retain multi-millionaire status even after all the bribes, payoffs, future ex-wife and motherfucking lawyer scumbags sink their teeth into him and all the star-fucking corporations bail on him like the rats they are.

    Outside of having his sex life splattered on every front page in the world, there’s no reason to feel bad for the guy. When it’s all said and done, (depending on the scars) he’s still a decent looking, well spoken, guy with lots of money…and he’s also hung like a black man! The lowest Tiger will have to stoop to is nailing 2nd Rate, money hungry, sluts as opposed to the 1st Rate ones he’s become accustomed to.
    Boo-fucking-hoo!

    As long as he can still play golf, he’ll never see a varicose vein…unless he’s into that.

    • Like you’re not into varicose veins.

      Trolling around bus depots and donair shops, desperately hunting for waitresses (ideally named Bella or Marge) with support hose and comfortable shoes…and those sexy blue lined ankles hinting at the cottage cheese hiding under the 50/50 nylon/rayon uniform.

  8. Variety is the spice of life.

  9. Since his actual legal name is already “Tiger,” what does he make them call him in bed? Just wondering.

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