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I Have an Indian Enemy!

Hemant Mehta, The Friendly Atheist, recently posted a bit (and I’m sure it must be comedy…it can’t be real…can it?) in which one may pay to have an Indian friend. Not the tomahawk sort, the curry sort.
It got me thinking. Friends I got…and I love all three of them (you know who you are – I’ll not slander you by naming names).
Enemies I GOT. All of the ethnic groups are represented…except Indians. All of the Indians I know are, at worst, friendly acquaintances. Not a true enemy among them.
So I dropped Hemant a note asking if he would agree to be my enemy.

Dear Hemant:
Umm…I don’t know how to put this, exactly, especially since you seem to be such a decent fellow and we are, I think, in agreement on many (if not most) issues you write about…but I already have a plethora of Indian friends. From my roommate in university, Eswar (from Madras), to Vickie, the owner of Kebabish where I regularly scarf down beef curry and nan, I’m practically drowning in a tide of sub-continent pals.
It dawns on me, however, that I have no Indian enemies. I’m not sure why that is – I have enemies from most other ethnic groups but no Indians.
So, I was wondering, would you like to be my Indian enemy? You wouldn’t have to do anything nasty – I suspect that would run counter to your personal ethic. But, you could…I dunno…sneer dismissively should we ever meet in person. And if anyone asks you if you have any enemies, you could mention me. If they ask why we’re enemies, you could say it was because I retained your services as friend but stiffed you on the bill.

Kindest Regards,
Cousin Avi

Well, spank me Jesus if he didn’t respond, “Cousin Avi, I hate you.”
I’m not sure whether he’s being cooperative or perceptive, but I am totally chuffed. I have an Indian enemy! It’s like realizing you’ve covered all the food groups! I wanna yell, “BINGO!”
Of course, I had to reply:

Thanks, Hemant.

You’re the best kind of enemy. I’m gonna scoop your photo off the front page and have a t-shirt printed up – you know, inside a circle with a diagonal slash running through it.

“No Hemant
(photo)
Enemy since 09/09″

If there’s anything I can ever do to repay your lack of kindness, please hesitate to ask.

Kindest Regards, Your Enemy
Cousin Avi

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11 Responses

  1. Cousin Avi — I still hate you. Just wanted you to know that.

    Your enemy,
    Hemant

    🙂

    • Pfft. Hate? Mere hate? You don’t know me very well, do you?
      You are forcing my hand, Mehta. You are calling on the hounds of what would be Hell if such a ridiculous threat actually existed.
      You have provoked me – opened the Pandora’s box of means and tactics that you will soon come to wish you had left unmolested. I have resumed smoking (well…I never stopped) in order to savour the acrid smoke as I contemplate the next salvo designed to milk our enmity for all the blog hits I can get.
      Yes, that’s right. I’m going to exploit you, my little Indian hit counter whore (ouch, I bet that stings).
      And it’s a war you cannot win! You have TRAFFIC. I reside in a vicious and hidden corner of the ignored blogo-joint.
      Your only option is to delete my posts…but you won’t. You’re far too honorable…your sense of humor too acute for anything so childish. HAH! I have you now!
      Go ahead…flaunt your facility with the square root of negative one! Divide by zero! Identify the next giant prime! It’s for naught, my friend. From the depths of my blog, I smoker’s hack at thee.

      Kindest Regards, Your eternal enemy,
      Cousin Avi

    • In fact, should we ever meet, this is the level of pure, unrestrained viciousness to which you move me.
      I, born Jewish and now a rather strident anti-theist, will invite you to my home for poppadoms.
      BUT YOU’LL GET NO CHUTNEY!

  2. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Let me get this straight…

    Cousinavi…has enemies???

  3. might I suggest Avi that you’d make a great number of Indian enemies if you actually went to India. Though having recently returned from there I must confess I completely failed in that regard, as far as I know, but I can assure you that there would be ample opportunity to make enemies there if you so wished. Additionally, you could also eat many popadoms with a great many chutneys!

  4. Popadom???

    Sounds like the name of a gay BDSM website to me.

    • Why does that not surprise me? Now get out of the pantyhose, Nancy boy, and go fry me up some spicy crackers.

  5. No offence, but I’d much rather buy one of Hemant’s Indian girl-friends. Hell, for $20 each, I could buy myself an entire harem of hot, young, Indian chicks who would have to obey my every command with a smile on their face!!!

  6. What? Indian Friends has been outsourced to Vietnam??? Another cheap Asian knockoff product brought to you by the Global Economy.

    While I’ll miss the chance to take advantage of my Indian “friends”, I’ll just have to be consoled by the new found ability to engage in another longtime fantasy I’ve had.

    Ever since seeing Full Metal Jacket for the first time, I’ve had this overwhelming desire to be hit upon at a street cafe by a Vietnamese hottie telling me she was “so horny” and making promises that she’d love me “longtime” and give me “Everything you want.”

    If Indian Friends was $19.95, what will the outsourced Vietnam version cost? $15 dollars? And instead of a free Slumdog, do I get a free Tiger Woods wannabe?

    • Try Michelle Malkin.
      Although, fair warning – DON’T DRINK ANYTHING SHE OFFERS YOU. You’ll wake up in a tub of ice with one of your kidneys missing…maybe both.

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