Something Awful Apologizes to Sarah Palin

The Goons over at Something Awful are taking their share of responsibility (or credit) for driving Sarah Palin out of politics.
Here’s a clip:

A series of increasingly disastrous interviews set the stage for conflict with the press. Palin crumbled in the face of impossible gotcha media questions like, “What do you read?” (nothing) and “What is a Vice President supposed to do?” (everything).

Palin was understandably outraged that those rascals in the media would ask her things about stuff and expect an answer. She wondered how come the media wouldn’t ask Obama things about stuff and the red-faced bariatrics at her rallies roughed up reporters.

McCain’s campaign staff tried to spin Palin’s flabbergasting stupidity. They claimed that a vengeful Katie Couric was just trying to gin up ratings by asking a fucking lousy trick question like, “How are you this morning?”

While Palin was running screaming at the bayonet line she was simultaneously caught in a crossfire of miniature scandals. She forced her pregnant teenage daughter to get engaged to a lunk-headed hockey star with a MySpace page stating directly that he did not want to be a father. An ethics investigation back in Alaska was painting her as a woman who abused her power as governor to get even with enemies. There were even conduct questions about her time as the hillbilly-fascist mayor of Wasilla: Alaska’s meth and rape capital.

Brutalized by eight years of Bush prosperity, the American people experienced a fit of sanity and elected the center-right corporatist and his goofball sidekick instead of the warmongering economic neophyte and the winking, know-nothing, hockey mom hate shit he took on the face of America….

Read the whole bit here – it’s full of win.

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12 Responses

  1. She’s quitting to become my full-time slutty flight attendant.

  2. God, I’m going to miss her. Except, with luck, she won’t really go away.
    Please let the GOP nominate her in 2012. Please.
    This may hurt your brain, but try, just try, to imagine a debate between incumbent Obama and Caribou Barbie. God, the fucking mind reels. Please let this happen. If only so I can die happy.

  3. Good god man, I’m an old guy. I don’t have fantasies. I try. How about this: Have them debate in the nude.
    OK, that’s kind of lame, but it’s an improvement.
    And don’t pity me, asshole, I’ve already lived longer than you’re likely to, despite my attempts to the contrary. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you, Cous.
    I’m open to suggestions. What sort of Palin/Obama fantasy appeals to you? I already have my pants off. Of course, at my age, I always have my pants off. Fuck the neighbors.
    Cheers, John

    • Fuck the neighbors, indeed.
      There is no Palin/Obama fantasy. It can’t happen. Before your nigger/slut fuck thing can go down, the slut has to survive the Mormon, the Preacher, and unnamed gov who DIDN’T quit…
      The Recuntlican push off stops the vapid, vacuous caribou spooge guggler in her tracks.

      Pity you? Don’t get your hopes up, Grandpa. I’ll be the one pinning your arms down and pouring that last lethal shot of rye down your throat.
      Everyone likes me…so long as it’s convenient. Usually, tho, it takes more time than folks are willing to part with before I’m proved correct (yet again)…

      As for debating in the nude…
      Not even remotely fair.
      Barack has bigger *b*igger cock danglin’…is there any doubt?
      Palin has squeezed out four squabs. Funky goggles aside, her pee flaps GOT to be hangin’ to her knees.
      It ceases to be about policy (or loquaciousness) at this stage of your game. Big black cock beats droopy Alaskan wind flaps.
      I so wish there were some way to make the drooling air cav noise just now. BLLLLLLTHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

  4. I’ll never resent you, despite your attempts, so long as you’re there to pour that last glass of rye — OK, fuck that, I hate rye — but damn near anything else intoxicating down my throat in my final moments. Trust me, I would do the same for you.
    But Jebus, I can’t think of anything sexy about either of the two. Obama may have a big dick, but my screen name is extremely ironic. That skinny little fuck can’t be in my league. Just ask my wife, if you can get her to stop screaming for a moment.
    Cheers, John

    • As Hitchens said, “The night is young…”

      I told your wife to lie to you.
      (Forgive me. It’s too obvious to pass up and…as Steve said, “Comedy ain’t pretty.”)
      And cock jokes are required.

      I asked Hank Williams, “How lonely does it get?”
      Hank Willams ain’t answered me yet….
      But I hear him coughing all night long
      100 floors above me in the tower of song.

      I was born like this
      I had no choice
      I was born with the gift
      of a golden voice

  5. How will the good ol’ USA, nay the world, handle this calamitous disaster? I can hardly bare to think of how the world will spin without its center of moral gravity, Mrs. Palin, to situate it properly! All is lost! All is lost! Well, we still have Gretchen Carlson and Michelle Malkin to keep things grounded for the rest of us…

  6. Look out! Cousinavi is quotin’ Lenny.

  7. What to make of Hitchens? I admire his willingness, nay, eagerness, to debate anyone about the sky daddy. And he must have a liver made of titanium.
    On the other hand, he wears a ring. No. That wasn’t it. On the other hand, he’s a world class imperialist neo-con who wants to drop bombs on pretty much everyone who doesn’t speak English. And he wants to keep it up until they fucking start speaking English.
    Very odd. But entertaining.
    Cheers, John

  8. Dear Sirs,

    Any use of the term “guggler” (e.g. cum guggler, spooge guggler, goo guggler) must be accompanied by the appropriate attribution to its originator, i.e. ME.

    Otherwise our lawyers will come over there and forcibly reattach your foreskin. Yes, you may now end your 45-year quest. We have it.

    • Never…just never…threaten someone who might be some sort of Jew with lawyers.
      You might as well walk into bar in Korea and pick a fight…try hustling 9-ball in Taiwan…challenge a Kenyan to a marathon…
      Some folks are just culturally unintimidated by certain sorts of threats.

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