Don’t Cry For Him, Argentina! Sanford HAHA!

After calling for the resignation / impeachment of Bubba Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky blowjob, uber hypocrite Mark Sanford, the REPUBLICAN Governor of South Carolina (despite what Faux News tells you, he ain’t a Dem) has been caught red-cocked returning from Argentina and a rendezvous with his Beunos Aries mistress.

I’d reproduce the emails sent by Sanford to his South America friend with benefits, but they are just too cringe inducing. Suffice to say this man has all the romantic style of a trip to a discount furniture warehouse specializing in slightly damaged upholstery.
I can’t even link to them without puking in my mouth a bit.
Google “Sanford emails” if you’re curious.

Meanwhile, the wingnut blogosphere has gone silent.
Faux News managed to mention the story but identified Sanford as a Democrat on their chyron.
Michelle Malkin, who would love nothing more than to sneak into the changing room in order to snap a cellphone photo as proof that Obama exposes himself, refuses to mention the shameful Gubernatorial hypocrisy. She’s too busy playing connect the dots to explain how George Soros is behind health care reform (you see, Soros can’t afford a doctor without the government under “Dear Leader” picking up the tab!)
It has to hurt to be Malkin stupid….

Looks like the GOP really IS about change.
They’ve stopped fucking pages, meeting men in airport bathrooms, and traveling to the D.R. to ass fuck Dominican pool boys. It’s the New Republicans – they fuck around on their wives with WOMEN!
Now that he’s cured himself of Teh Ghey, maybe there’s a shot for Ted Haggard to pick up the 2012 nomination!
Change you can believe in!


19 Responses

  1. Watching MSNBC and CNN today, and the shit is starting to trickle out that, yeah, this ignorant shithead did charge some of his trips to the taxpayers. Huge surprise.
    How does a governor simply disappear from his job and his home for five days, leaving no contact information, and expect no one to notice? This guy was reportedly on Fucko McCain’s short veep list. Imagine that: A potentially worse choice than Palin.
    Despite my didain for life as we know it, there’s something to be said for living through the era when, apparently, the official American Douchebag Party is literally falling apart.. Republicans, say hello to the Whigs.
    Maybe I won’t shoot myself in the head. At least not yet. I do wanna see this shit.

    • I think you’re still missing the bigger, much sweeter picture, little brother john.

      His personal failing – his marriage, his affair, his suicidal attempt to hide it all while exposing it – it’s ALL TOO PERFECTLY the Heidi Spencer Perez Affleck Lewinsky Haggard Craig Bubba Bosnian Snipers Democracy Principles…Wall Street (well, didn’t we really always KNOW they were lying?)….
      NO MAN!
      It’s MAIN STREET!
      Did you ever see the movie Happiness?
      America….AMERICA is a desperate, phony ginned up junkie who can no longer tolerate the vicious bullshit its been selling to the world to support its ugly venal habit.
      It WANTS to be caught.
      It NEEDS an intervention.
      Problem seems to be that at the very moment a decent counselor showed up, the junkies got fucking desperate…and SERIOUS.
      This is not the end of the GOP, mon ami.
      This is the end of an EMPIRE. And the junkies will blame anyone but themselves. It’s the nature of junkies.

      I reserve the right to retract my schadenfreude should Rahm and Barack actually manage to walk on fucking water.
      Messiah? You CUNTS better HOPE SO.

  2. Good god man, I’m against empire too. And I have to live here.
    But let me savor the hope, however desperate, that the GOP will destroy itself first.
    I have no illusions about Barack — he’s already backpedaling on gay rights, ending wars, government medical care and, well, shit, you know all this.
    You’ve already kept me from shooting myself once. Let me cling to this tiny straw. If the country implodes with the god party still intact, I’ll go ahead and eat a .357 hollowpoint..
    I guess my attitude is skewed by the fact that we just got rid of the worst motherfucker in the world as president, or as anything. The decent, hard-working guy who collects my empty bottles would have been a better president. Barack doesn’t need to walk on water. He just needs to walk and chew gum at the same time to make me feel better.
    I think I should have a drink.
    Cheers, John

    • OOoh! You ARE a pithy one, aren’t you? Sweet.
      Don’t you trouble your frilly little tush about gay rights, DADT or anything else.
      Our poker playing messiah is simply not willing to put the whole stack on a short pot this early in the deck.
      It’s about winning the game. Being the last man with chips. Not short-stacking yourself against strong hole cards early in the rack. About waiting until you can re-raise the fucks into PAIN and DOUBT, instead of bluffing at them and watching them double bump you because they simply have enough plates to work a team.
      Let’s get Health Care DONE. We can do fags in boots by FIAT – Executive Order Number Something. We CANNOT get the FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE we NEED if…IF we go wailing after small gay pots with all-in bets.
      Managing the mess you’re left IS NOT THE SAME as campaigning AGAINST the mess they were making.
      This a very simple principle, and the sooner WE sort that out, the easier (and less painful) reality will be…both in the ass-raping aspect of it, AND in the “let’s minimize future ass-rapings” aspect.

      Sure the GOP is dying. They were dead long before the Nixon tapes revealed their foundations as racist, ugly, divisive, shallow, vicious…
      Didn’t we know? DID WE NOT KNOW?
      Do the words of Tricky Dick and Builly Graham surprise ANYONE?
      Well…there are places where Kissinger is not immediately slapped in cuffs or shot on sight…so what does THAT tell you?
      Chuck Colson now markets JESUS! What does THAT tell you?

      At what point is our own incredulity at what WE wrought more satire than irony?

      • replying to myself now…a bad sign to be sure.

        We’re talking about Dick Nixon talking to Dubya’s DADDY about finding hot women to run for the GOP cuz maybe hotties might be able to win. Go for the COCK vote! Gotta give the GOP credit for stroking the things that make folks horny.

        Dick Nixon – Watergate…Kissinger…Colson…Liddy…a ROGUES GALLERY of criminals! Allende…East Timor…Cambodia – Richard Milhous Nixon! Talking frankly to Billy Fucking Graham about the Jew Satan!?!?!?!?!

        What does it take to scare you, little brother john?
        What does it take to make you wonder if a black man named Hussein can survive four years of being popular enough to walk the rope lines?

        We’re talking about Dick Nixon – for whom Cheney, Rumsfeld AND Bush 41 WORKED – talking about BUGGING HIS OWN SECRETARY OF STATES PHONE!!!
        “I want to know who the sonuvabitch calls!”

        This is such rabbit hole shit it’s no longer even possible to sort it, parse it, or argue about it in any meaningful way. It’s so far twisted now than attempts at untangling this shit only knot it up tighter.

        I think the insurance money is looking like a fair deal.

  3. Sanford you say? What’s his first name, Fred?

    “Elizabeth, Elizabeth, my career is coming to join ya. My career is coming, honey.”

    • “I pushed her face into cookie dough and made Gorilla cookies!”

      I hesitate to assert who that joke is NOT about.

  4. Holy shit. I’m getting just drunk enough this is starting to make sense. But really, do you think you can out-cynical me? Dream on, cousin.
    But it is entertaining. I’ll back off and let you debate yourself on this. So far, I’d say you’re winning. I’ll weigh in when the mushrooms kick in.
    Good on ya, my friend.

    • More cynical? Don’t care. I never considered cynicism something that could be measured. To me, you’re either jaded, or you ain’t.
      Hopeful – hopeless. There’s no “sorta hope.”
      I am older, more miles, speak more languages, been stabbed more. Snakebit. Shot.
      It’s like that line from the movie The Way of the Gun….James Caan: “The one thing you know about an old bag man….he’s a survivor.”
      Should we ever have opportunity to speak face to face, I will explain in ways you will swear to keep secret why I have more right to my bitterness and cynicism than any comparatively plastic facade you might drag over to the table.
      I don’t have to out anything anyone anymore. I’ve already out OUTTED them. Last Man Standing.
      Been there. Done that. Got scars…scars, if you mention them the wrong way I’ll snatch your throat right out of your neck.
      You’re a sweet clever kid and I like you.
      There is something to be said on the eternal clock: I was once your age. You cannot make the same claim.
      There’s way more to it than that… but first truths illuminate the next step on a dark path.

  5. OK, now the mushrooms are wearing off. I may sound young because I’m a baby boomer ex-hippy who still talks like one. I’ll be 55 in August, and believe me, I feel it.
    But I would like to meet to you. I’ve got some pretty goddamn horrible stories too. I’d like to swap them over some scotch that’s old enough to vote.
    Keep, well, keep doing what you do. I appreciate it. I’ll keep doing what I do, which mostly is altering my consciousness. And shooting the shit with you, of course.
    Jesus Christ on a cross! I’ve got my TV on, and that Martian mutant Michael Jackson just had a fucking heart attack. Why am I surprised?
    Only more Vicodin will help me understand this.
    Cheers, as always, John

    • Cunt BASTARD! You’re older. 45 in about a week…the 6th of the 7th.
      Fuck you. I’ve wrapped this fucking odometer over some peaks and valleys that make 103-year-olds tip their hat and survivors of lion maulings refuse to lift their shirts.
      Still tho. I’m a rum drinker, but will gronk that UK grain poison if you insist. Clearly those that have not yet developed a taste for SUGAR CANE cling to their musky versions of rotting fermented silage.
      Shrooms, eh. I wonder if it’s mere coincidence I’m walking with Dr. Hoffman this evening.
      Ain’t we a couple of terminally interesting and odd old farts?

      MJ had a heart attack?
      Best thing he could do for the value of his catalog – die right before the comeback.
      No new kiddie rape allegations…no massive fail…nose never fell OFF in public.
      Who owns the rights to Off the Wall these days?

      I suspect there will be litigation.
      Man could make a whole fucking retirement off suing over claims related to anything remotely connected to the desperate freak.

      If he dies…
      Straight bet for a beer…
      Someone else has to pay for the casket. He’s broke…broke. No box broke.
      The towel-faced kids will be raised in tandem – Liz Taylor’s butler and Diana Ross’ chauffeur.

  6. Holy fuck! Why did this take so long? MJ apparently not breathing. I’m no doctor, but I’m guessing that’s not good. For him, I mean.
    Here’s a question for Science: Will his body decay? Really, I mean plastic lasts forever, right?
    OK, nothing else is working. I heve to step out for heroin. Nothing else is appropriate. This shouldn’t take long. Be back soon.

  7. Probably right. He’s likely broke. But I’ll bet you another beer that Liz Taylor, or some other worthless cunt, pays for a fancy send-off.

    Jesus, Farrah and MJ. Two nauseating funerals in the same week. I need to go into a coma now.

    Wake me when this shit is over.

    • I NEVER ONCE spilled a load over MJ…Jackson OR Jordan.
      Farrah. Man…stand back. WELL back.
      These are not the same things at ALL.
      Let’s make some fucking fair distinction about the word ICON, shall we?
      Greta Garbo might have been the first in film, but I don’t think entire GENERATIONS of potential life was murdered in socks over “I t’ink I go home.”
      Farrah could have lived to be 100, there isn’t a man alive I’d call a man wouldn’t sell a ball to climb into the grave with her.

      “I’m no doctor, but I guess ‘not breathing’ is not a good sign.”
      I’m no doctor either…but I had my suspicions when the twisted fuck started sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber.
      It’s best for all concerned he dies before inflicting another tragedy on himself.
      In Farrah’s case, man…that’s just a fucking tragedy. She really was something. The real deal…and to her credit, did her level best to walk away from that vapid shit. Too fucking hot for her own good, and still never let it get her down.
      Some kisses last forever.

      • Jesus man. Someone should be writing this shit down.

        “some kisses last forever”

        I said that, motherfucker. Farrah. My eulogy.

        Fuck YOU, Zoolander!

  8. Shit man, we should be writing this down. Actually, I think we are. Anyway, I’m not going to remember a bit of it.
    Farrah was a looker for sure, and I especially appreciated her perpetually erect nipples. But her fucking teeth — they weren’t human. Hundreds of them, blazing white, perfectly aligned. Frightening, at least to me.
    I think I’m going to miss Ed McMahon most of all. I don’t know why. I guess he was just sort of a big, cheerful, drunk Irish guy. He reminds me of all my relatives. Well, and me too.
    When it comes to actresses, my taste runs more to Jamie Lee Curtis. Perfect tits. You may be noticing a pattern here.
    God, that fucker Keith Olbermann is still droning on about what a talent we lost when Jacko bit the big one. Why can’t he just go back to bitching about O’Reilly?

    • No…you didn’t misspell a fucking thing.
      FARRAH! Loved the wee tittie perma-nipples. Have been a smallish tit man ever since. MMM. Nipples.
      My dad was a tit-man. Made endowed waitresses uncomfortable (and you would expect they’d be USED to it, eh?…that’s how serious he was!)
      So, perhaps it was a double whammy for me. Farrah times ‘Fuck off, Pop…stop making it tough for me to get a goddamn cheeseburger in this town!’

      Jamie Lee. GREAT tits. Better LEGS. That was one finely put together woman. Aged like Audrey Hepburn – just kept getting better with every year. TALK about a Mother-Daughter tag team…Jamie Lee and Bridget? Improve on THAT!

      /Excuse me…I’ll be in my bunk.

  9. Be it resolved that in South Carolina, marriage is between one man and one woman and one woman from Argentina.

  10. “Jesus man. Someone should be writing this shit down.”

    Don’t worry, the US government is doing it for you. And the contents will be held against you at a later date.

    45…55…Holy shit! It’s fossil central around here!

    But what do you expect from a website that uses LATIN in its name?

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