TOP SECRET Daily Intelligence Briefing

Date: REDACTED
Interrogator: REDACTED
Subect: Ali bin Assan REDACTED

Subject was subjected to sleep deprivation, stress positions, repetitive waterboarding, forced masturbation in the presence of aggressive attack dogs and had flashlights repeatedly inserted into his anus.
Subject was routinely and without warning slapped, punched, spat upon, forced to lie in puddles of his own waste and that of others, provided with spoiled food, advised that he would be subjected to homosexual rape and that others were going to his home to rape his wife and children.
Evidence would seem to indicate that Subject is not sexually aroused by aggressive dogs. Slightly better results were obtained by the presence of female personnel mocking, insulting and degrading Subject while striking him with batons and laughing at his flaccid state.

Subject was temporarily transferred to med room for treatment of various self-inflicted injuries, including contusions, lacerations, broken ribs, shattered eye socket, burst ear drum, broken nose, and cardiac arrhythmia. Subject was cleared by medical personnel for further discussion of information pertaining to AQ in Iraq, weapons of mass destruction, Iraqi ties to 9/11, and related subjects as directed.

Subject stated repeatedly that he had no knowledge of any matters related to noted areas of investigation. It is the opinion of the investigators that Subject has such information and has been trained to withstand the enhanced interrogation techniques. It is further the opinion of this investigator that information held by Subject can be obtained with diligence.
Investigator is concerned at the apparent willingness of Subject to self-harm as a means of continuing to obstruct the interrogation. Advise intensifying frequency and degree of enhanced interrogation.

UPDATE: Following contemporaneous application of enhanced interrogation techniques (waterboarding and anal intrusion in very close proximity to extremely aggressive attack dog) Subject confirms knowledge of WMD’s, AQ in Iraq, and the provision of financial and moral support from the Iraqi regime to the plotters of 9/11.

Subject also confirms that he is a witch, in league with Satan, fired from the grassy knoll at REDACTED, and has always harbored a deep and profound desire to accept Jesus Christ as his savior and be born again in the one true faith. He claims to love both the Yankees and the Red Sox, although refuses to express an opinion on the “Tastes great / Less filling” issue.
Subject further confirms that his treatment by Americans has been fair and just, and that he has suffered no mistreatment or hardship and that all of the information provided is true to the best of his knowledge and belief.

Signed: REDACTED
Date: REDACTED

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One Response

  1. Very well done.

    I think this, more or less, is how most of these reports would read…under all the black ink, that is. In this report, you would probably get 10-20 words that wouldn’t be covered up for “National Security”. National Security mandates that the nation be kept in the dark with regards to the actions of its employees.

    Nothing is more insecure than a ruler who has to answer to his ruled.

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