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12 Step Program for Dubya

The famous 12 Steps have saved many from the evils of drink. I personally embrace the evil of drink, but the Steps have grown beyond the fermented and distilled to embrace a whole host of social and personal ills from over-eating to sex addiction (two more things I don’t want to quit).
In fact, it doesn’t matter what crutch you lean on, or what excuse you give to Oprah to justify your sorry lot in life, there’s a 12-Step program with your name on it…which got me thinking: I wonder if there’s a program for George.  I mean, LOOK at the poor sonuvabitch.  Everything he does and everything he says is simply more evidence that he’s suffering cognitive dissonance that would make the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders assplode.
He BELIEVES he’s liberating the oppressed, spreading democracy, helping the downtrodden and presenting a role model for the rest of the word when, in fact, he’s laying the groundwork for civil war, encouraging religious fanatics to terrorism, exploiting the poor, destroying the environment, trashing the global economy and revealing himself as the most moronic, foolhardy, incompetent hypocrite ever.

So, I dug up the Steps (as if they hadn’t been memorized along with the Serenity Prayer) to see if they could be modified to help that blithering monkey make it through the rest of his Satanic presidency without causing total armageddon.
Turns out they need some slight interpretation before they can deal with a mad baboon of Bush’s caliber.

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Bush will never admit anything – especially that a problem might be unmanageable. He will, on the other hand, deny there’s a problem and fabricate “facts” he thinks will cover the sneaky, underhanded shit he’s plotting. He recently admitted that America is addicted to oil. Solution? Misbegotten policies that drive the price of a barrel over $100.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

There is no power greater than himself, except Jesus, who ain’t so much concerned about George’s sanity as he is with appearing in George’s dreams with a big map that has “Bomb Here” and “Invade Here” written all over it.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

Done. Decisions are easy for George. He’s the decider. And God is on George’s side. George understands God. He understands that the people are concerned. He understands that Iraq is difficult. He understands that borders must be secure. He understands all of these things. He says so, over and over again: “I understand that.”

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Also done. Took five minutes. Asked Karl Rove to do the inventory. Karl said George was morally okey-dokey. Asked Condi if she thought so, too. Condi agreed that George was also fearless. Some of these steps are just easier than others.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. Should have planted some WMD in Iraq before going in there. Should have had Richard Clark shot, along with those lippy retired Generals. Might have spent a little more time down there in Crawford pretending to be a cowboy. Cowboys have a great life.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

George understands there are defective characters. The Liberal media, the Liberal judiciary, all those people with rock-solid evidence that he’s either lying or incompetent (Liberals!), pollsters, South Americans, Mexicans, the French (even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in awhile). Whatever you do, don’t confuse him by trying to explain the difference between defective characters and character defects – you’ll wind up in Guantanamo reading the Koran with Achmed and Jamaal.

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

Hehe. There’s a penis joke in here somewhere.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

The harmed list is long: El Salvador, Nicaraugua, Haiti, Indonesia, Mexico, Panama, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia, Colombia, Cuba, Venezuela…
Amends? Sure…George is all about making amends. He’s done such a great job of fixing things up in Iraq and Afghanistan, you can just bet Haiti and Cuba are eagerly waiting their turn.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Collateral damage is to be expected in the amends-making process. Can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Gotta beat them down until they can stand up on their own…wait, that’s how to make meringue.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Constant inventory-taking. Any mistakes? Nope. Good. Let’s get on with the lying and bombing and invading.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out

God’s will for George is clear: Be President. Bomb people.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

The message has been taken to everyone in the form of smart bombs and .50 caliber bullets. If the message ain’t clear (Can you hear me now, Iran?) George has more bombs and more bullets. The principle remains the same: Do what George tells you to do or get your arse handed to you. Diplomacy, shmiplomacy. And if China tries anything sneaky and financial that fucks with George’s truly massive trade imbalance, they’ll wish they’d built a Great Dome rather than a mere wall.

And now, we’ll close the meeting with The Serenity Prayer (join hands everyone):

God grant George the awesome military force
to make the Muslims accept the things George imposes upon them;
the courage to change anything and everything to suit his big oil friends;
and the wisdom to finally figure out how to pour piss out of his cowboy boots.
Amen.

Now all you first-name-only, chain smoking, coffee drinking, donut eating 12-Steppers fuck off. I’m busy being a slave to my addictions.

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