A Conversation with an African About Contact Sport

Okay.  Now I’m drunk and ready to communicate with the South African mind…or Botswanan, which I can only assume is some inbred mutation thereof, but not so distinct as to matter more than a soft breeze on a weak stream of piss.  I also have drugs and have consumed them.  If there are typos, fuck you, deal with it.
I am quoting and inserting – two things I do well despite what your mother says – so keep your distance and don’t touch anything.  I will not pay for severed limbs, burns, scars or other acts of a vengeful and hateful God.

If our boys were ever to have a scrum against any NFL offensive line they might push us back the first time but not again, and again. In rugby the 130kg guys are FIT 130kg guys. They are meant to carry that weight, at speed, around the field for a full 80 minutes. That is why they will be able to do scrum after scrum after scrum. 
Bleh.  Bullshit.  There’s plenty of standing around in rugby.  Stop deluding yourself that it’s 80 minutes of full sprint.  Every time some cunt kicks the ball out of bounds everyone walks about catching their breath.
Line outs, free kicks, scrums.  Sure American football sets up and runs individual plays from the line, but no one in Rugby runs a sub 10 second 100m.  They ARE different games.  I suspect your boys would win at rugby, our boys would win at football, and your boys would have their arms ripped off in the tug o war.
NFL works in short bursts of power – why the fuck you need a bench for 50 plus guys is beyond sporting comprehension. In rugby – everybody does everything. A small scrumhalf – 80kg – is expected to join the ruck and fight for the ball on the ground just as much as a prop sometimes joins the backline and running tries from 50 meters out. In general sporting terms a rugby player displays a lot more skill, fitness, and ball-sense than a helmet wearing, body armoured pussy with 2 brain cells doing 5 seconds of play before being replaced by another so-called specialist.
That’s the difference, and in perspective the beauty, of each sport.  Your wee scrum-half throws and runs and blocks and kicks.  Ain’t he multi-talented?  And so cute!  In the NFL, we have one guy who throws better than him, another guy who kicks better, another guy who leaves him stunned in the starting blocks, and yet another guy who puts him in traction on the first hit.
Rugby hits are just as hard but the difference is that our guys CAN TAKE IT.
No, they are not.  Not commonly, and not even in the extreme.  Go watch some sport clips, ‘Swana boy.
It is a simple sporting fact:  There are no impacts inflicted on the human body in professional sport that come even CLOSE to the G-forces inflicted in the NFL…until you slam an F-1 car nose first into the wall at 200+ mph.  Mike Tyson’s right hand never hit anyone even close to that hard.  It’s been measured and tested beyond question.  Go do some research that doesn’t involve some dried old obiter dicta from Lord Fucking Denning.
I fully agree with HOCKEY. It is the only foreign sport that we respect and enjoy watching.
LIAR!  You WILL respect SNOOKER.  Don’t make me come down there.  I’m fucking warning you.
But, yeah…hockey.  Like hurling at high speed, except with knives on your feet.
It also must be said that no Eskimo-hugging-fur-coat-wearing-fucker from Saskatoon would survive one hot day in Pofadder. You’ll melt.
I’ll take melting over…hmmm…lemme see:  Eaten by a lion, torn to shreds by a croc, stomped by a cape buffalo, swallowed by a shark, drowned by a hippo, bitten by a mamba, bones scattered by hyenas, or car-jacked by locals in JBurg.
Frankly, you can take your dry heat and stuff it up your Kwanzaa.  I LIVE in Taiwan.  If I ain’t melted yet, I got nothing to worry about from South Africa.  The fact that you even make the “can’t take the heat” argument, when there are SO many more and better reasons for staying the fuck out of South Africa, is puzzling at least…and perhaps indicative of some deeper underlying psychosis you may wish to have addressed by a professional.  Or not.  I can understand a certain degree of madness being requisite to survival down there.
AND, I’m from Nova Scotia, not fucking Saskatoon.  That’s Frank pretending to be clever.  Ignore him.  That cunt always sneaks off home before the party really gets up to speed.
Here’s a link for your musical and geographical edification.  The footage is old and frankly not really representative of anything exept some doddering old CBC editors halcyon notion of OLD Nova Scotia, but pay attention to the lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJvz5W32bYg

Your knowledge of the Southern African continent (including the lion-feeding regime) is remarkable. My admiration definitely does not extend to your neighbours. The average American doesn’t even know where America is.

The average American couldn’t our piss out of a boot if the instructions were written upside down on the heel.  Being stupid is not the same as not being dangerous, though.  I consider it wise behaviour to nod and smile alot at Yanks.  You never know and they certainly aren’t to be trusted.
I, however (and as previously noted) am Canadian.  Nice hockey playing people.  Maple syrup! 
BEAVERS! (that’s not just a coincidence).
No one wants to kill US because we show up early, play by the rules, win but don’t gloat about it, and stay late to help clean up afterwards.  IN fact, take a look at the animals that kill people in Canada:  Moose…why? because they’re in the road and we hit them with cars.  Bears…cuz you were dumb enough to leave bacon unwrapped in your tent.
Not like South Africa, where taking a swim, gettin a drink, walking in the tall grass or owning a car in JBurg is fucking near suicidal behaviour.  Is it any wonder we’re more reasonable? (and welcome in Europe…but there’s a historical thing there that has as much to do with simply conducting ourselves like civilised people – something I’m sure you’ll agree South Africa could brush up on).
I agree with Janet Jackson’s nipple but still think that any nipple (even Rosie O’s) far exceeds any American football game. I didn’t have time to see the ” crinkled, saggy” part but take your word for it. How many times did you rewind, pause and zoom in? Sad, sad, sad. “There’s a big, wide world of titties out there…” and maybe you should not pay so much attention to hers.
Let’s be perfectly clear about this, counsel.  YOU brought up Janet’s milk spout, not me.  Now, for some vicious reason known only to yourself, you inflict upon me the idea (thank Gd there were no photos!)…the IDEA of Rosy O’Donnell’s nipples.  Listen, you twisted, filthy, disgusting, perverted Dark Continent fuck…there’s NO NEED FOR THAT!  If you are determined to degrade this otherwise civilised and honourable debate with mammifications LIKE THAT, then may Gd have mercy on your doomed and pathetic soul.
FUCK.  Rosie’s nipples.  They’re everywhere.  You’re a dead man.


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